Interview 1, Part I
Jul. 16th, 2003 11:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Taking a break from the heart-stopping stress of this house business, it's time to answer some of
rfmcdpei's interview questions.
1. When did you first decide you were gay, instead of (say) straight, or bi?
Tricky. I remember the almost supernatural experience in grade 9 when a voice from inside me, loud enough to deafen an elephant, clearly opined, "But you know you're going to end up being gay..." and I remember the large meaty hand I conjured to palpably stuff the demon back into a dark and slimy hole.
I lived in a hazy state of awareness and terror-inspired denial for almost another decade. Just before I came out, I was in the gym, ogling a beautiful man. As I stood in the showers later, I wished he would come in naked and he did. Peering at him surreptitiously and dreamily, the voice returned, with less need for volume, gently mocking me: "Yeah right," it said, "You're not gay." I laughed along with it and came out to myself and portions of the world within a few months.
By the way, I like your use of the word "decide". It goes against the mainstream of gay politics which ostentatiously abjures the notion of choice. I personally think that "It's not my fault -- please don't hate me" is a weaker political stance than "Get your fucking laws off my sexuality". I have a theory that we do choose elements of our sexuality around the age of three, though without understanding the consequences of those decisions.
More interview answers later today or else tomorrow .
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1. When did you first decide you were gay, instead of (say) straight, or bi?
Tricky. I remember the almost supernatural experience in grade 9 when a voice from inside me, loud enough to deafen an elephant, clearly opined, "But you know you're going to end up being gay..." and I remember the large meaty hand I conjured to palpably stuff the demon back into a dark and slimy hole.
I lived in a hazy state of awareness and terror-inspired denial for almost another decade. Just before I came out, I was in the gym, ogling a beautiful man. As I stood in the showers later, I wished he would come in naked and he did. Peering at him surreptitiously and dreamily, the voice returned, with less need for volume, gently mocking me: "Yeah right," it said, "You're not gay." I laughed along with it and came out to myself and portions of the world within a few months.
By the way, I like your use of the word "decide". It goes against the mainstream of gay politics which ostentatiously abjures the notion of choice. I personally think that "It's not my fault -- please don't hate me" is a weaker political stance than "Get your fucking laws off my sexuality". I have a theory that we do choose elements of our sexuality around the age of three, though without understanding the consequences of those decisions.
More interview answers later today or else tomorrow .
no subject
Date: 2003-07-16 08:04 am (UTC)Why three?
no subject
Date: 2003-07-16 08:25 am (UTC)Ever had your gaydar go off with a little kid? I have.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-16 08:42 am (UTC)Is it a stereotype to say I identified with my mother. Well, I did. It would be hard not to, since as a child my attitude towards my father oscillated between contempt and hatred.
Yep.
Anyway, my question wasn't an attempt to bust you, but to draw out the answer. I'm inclined strongly to agree with you, except that I would say that the choices get recapitulated again and again, and the path the three-year old sets out on isn't fixed in granite.
It's rare that the choice takes the form of a conscious decision that, "Oh, I'll be gay," but rather the decision to accept that it is an essential part of who you've become.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-16 09:07 am (UTC)Right now, I can barely breathe, stay in my chair or prevent spontaneous combustion. We're meeting the real estate agent in an hour to go further into this house nonsense. AAARRRGHHHAHHHAHAHAHAHAASHGGGHGHSDLFASLDKFJA;IOE ALJF ASLFA
no subject
Date: 2003-07-16 10:38 am (UTC)That's exactly how I feel about real estate. Especially the ASLFA!