Interview 1, Part I

[talktooloose]

Taking a break from the heart-stopping stress of this house business, it's time to answer some of rfmcdpei's interview questions.

1. When did you first decide you were gay, instead of (say) straight, or bi?

Tricky. I remember the almost supernatural experience in grade 9 when a voice from inside me, loud enough to deafen an elephant, clearly opined, "But you know you're going to end up being gay..." and I remember the large meaty hand I conjured to palpably stuff the demon back into a dark and slimy hole.

I lived in a hazy state of awareness and terror-inspired denial for almost another decade. Just before I came out, I was in the gym, ogling a beautiful man. As I stood in the showers later, I wished he would come in naked and he did. Peering at him surreptitiously and dreamily, the voice returned, with less need for volume, gently mocking me: "Yeah right," it said, "You're not gay." I laughed along with it and came out to myself and portions of the world within a few months.

By the way, I like your use of the word "decide". It goes against the mainstream of gay politics which ostentatiously abjures the notion of choice. I personally think that "It's not my fault -- please don't hate me" is a weaker political stance than "Get your fucking laws off my sexuality". I have a theory that we do choose elements of our sexuality around the age of three, though without understanding the consequences of those decisions.

More interview answers later today or else tomorrow .

Comments

[epanastatis.livejournal.com]

I have a theory that we do choose elements of our sexuality around the age of three, though without understanding the consequences of those decisions.

Why three?

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

I knew I was gonna get busted on that! Um, that age is more poetic conjecture than scientific fact. But at the same time, three to five is an age when a lot of personality traits are starting to show up and, in my experience of kids, there's a lot more decision-making in the process than we clever adults give them credit for. Little kids are already choosing which face to show the world and which strategies they will employ to make their world coherent. The longer version of my theory has to do with which parent you choose to identify with.

Ever had your gaydar go off with a little kid? I have.

[epanastatis.livejournal.com]

The longer version of my theory has to do with which parent you choose to identify with.

Do elaborate.

Is it a stereotype to say I identified with my mother. Well, I did. It would be hard not to, since as a child my attitude towards my father oscillated between contempt and hatred.

Ever had your gaydar go off with a little kid?

Yep.

Anyway, my question wasn't an attempt to bust you, but to draw out the answer. I'm inclined strongly to agree with you, except that I would say that the choices get recapitulated again and again, and the path the three-year old sets out on isn't fixed in granite.

It's rare that the choice takes the form of a conscious decision that, "Oh, I'll be gay," but rather the decision to accept that it is an essential part of who you've become.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

I will have to elaborate on this later, thereby showing many of my philosophies to be entirely hunch-based.

Right now, I can barely breathe, stay in my chair or prevent spontaneous combustion. We're meeting the real estate agent in an hour to go further into this house nonsense. AAARRRGHHHAHHHAHAHAHAHAASHGGGHGHSDLFASLDKFJA;IOE ALJF ASLFA

[epanastatis.livejournal.com]

AAARRRGHHHAHHHAHAHAHAHAASHGGGHGHSDLFASLDKFJA;IOE ALJF ASLFA

That's exactly how I feel about real estate. Especially the ASLFA!