Interview 1, Part I

[talktooloose]

Taking a break from the heart-stopping stress of this house business, it's time to answer some of rfmcdpei's interview questions.

1. When did you first decide you were gay, instead of (say) straight, or bi?

Tricky. I remember the almost supernatural experience in grade 9 when a voice from inside me, loud enough to deafen an elephant, clearly opined, "But you know you're going to end up being gay..." and I remember the large meaty hand I conjured to palpably stuff the demon back into a dark and slimy hole.

I lived in a hazy state of awareness and terror-inspired denial for almost another decade. Just before I came out, I was in the gym, ogling a beautiful man. As I stood in the showers later, I wished he would come in naked and he did. Peering at him surreptitiously and dreamily, the voice returned, with less need for volume, gently mocking me: "Yeah right," it said, "You're not gay." I laughed along with it and came out to myself and portions of the world within a few months.

By the way, I like your use of the word "decide". It goes against the mainstream of gay politics which ostentatiously abjures the notion of choice. I personally think that "It's not my fault -- please don't hate me" is a weaker political stance than "Get your fucking laws off my sexuality". I have a theory that we do choose elements of our sexuality around the age of three, though without understanding the consequences of those decisions.

More interview answers later today or else tomorrow .

Comments

[epanastatis.livejournal.com]

I have a theory that we do choose elements of our sexuality around the age of three, though without understanding the consequences of those decisions.

Why three?

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

I knew I was gonna get busted on that! Um, that age is more poetic conjecture than scientific fact. But at the same time, three to five is an age when a lot of personality traits are starting to show up and, in my experience of kids, there's a lot more decision-making in the process than we clever adults give them credit for. Little kids are already choosing which face to show the world and which strategies they will employ to make their world coherent. The longer version of my theory has to do with which parent you choose to identify with.

Ever had your gaydar go off with a little kid? I have.

[epanastatis.livejournal.com]

The longer version of my theory has to do with which parent you choose to identify with.

Do elaborate.

Is it a stereotype to say I identified with my mother. Well, I did. It would be hard not to, since as a child my attitude towards my father oscillated between contempt and hatred.

Ever had your gaydar go off with a little kid?

Yep.

Anyway, my question wasn't an attempt to bust you, but to draw out the answer. I'm inclined strongly to agree with you, except that I would say that the choices get recapitulated again and again, and the path the three-year old sets out on isn't fixed in granite.

It's rare that the choice takes the form of a conscious decision that, "Oh, I'll be gay," but rather the decision to accept that it is an essential part of who you've become.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

I will have to elaborate on this later, thereby showing many of my philosophies to be entirely hunch-based.

Right now, I can barely breathe, stay in my chair or prevent spontaneous combustion. We're meeting the real estate agent in an hour to go further into this house nonsense. AAARRRGHHHAHHHAHAHAHAHAASHGGGHGHSDLFASLDKFJA;IOE ALJF ASLFA

[epanastatis.livejournal.com]

AAARRRGHHHAHHHAHAHAHAHAASHGGGHGHSDLFASLDKFJA;IOE ALJF ASLFA

That's exactly how I feel about real estate. Especially the ASLFA!

[rfmcdpei.livejournal.com]

I laughed along with it and came out to myself and portions of the world within a few months.

Sounds like a nice enough development, all things taken.

By the way, I like your use of the word "decide". It goes against the mainstream of gay politics which ostentatiously abjures the notion of choice. I personally think that "It's not my fault -- please don't hate me" is a weaker political stance than "Get your fucking laws off my sexuality".

Agreed, although I hadn't intended to use "decide" in quite that way. "Deduce from the basis of what you knew to be true" would have been closer to what I'd intended. Some element of choice does seem to be involved, at least for some people, whether because of a desire to experiment with specific sexualities or because of a simple desire for novelty. The degree to which this choice is lasting varies, of course.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

"Deduce from the basis of what you knew to be true"

Of course, I believe very strongly that we also create our reality (our "truth") day by day, so deducing is also deciding.

And yes, yes, yes to the idea of experiments with sexuality. Again, listening to inner voices is vitally important, but we also have the right and obligation to explore the world in search of enlightenment and an identity that feels right, if only temporarily.

Insert Whimsical Line Here

[painglass.livejournal.com]

I remember the almost supernatural experience in grade 9 when a voice from inside me, loud enough to deafen an elephant, clearly opined, "But you know you're going to end up being gay..." and I remember the large meaty hand I conjured to palpably stuff the demon back into a dark and slimy hole.
I know that voice, I had virtualy the same thing whispering in my head for years. It wasn't until I had some good friends start bringing me to LGBT meetings that I started to listen and aknowledge what it was saying. I've been openly bi ever since. Did you feel relief when you started to listen to what the voice had to say?

I have a theory that we do choose elements of our sexuality around the age of three, though without understanding the consequences of those decisions.
This made me remember that when I was three, I declared that when I grew up I was going to be a boy! *insert funny laugh here* All I've managed to do is have more masculine leanings then most females of my acquintence. I have to say, I think I prefer being a girl. (Except for the not being able to pee standing up thing, that still gets me everytime!)

Re: Insert Whimsical Line Here

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Did you feel relief when you started to listen to what the voice had to say?

Calm. I felt calm and mildly amused at my fear.

Hey, what comics do you read?

Comical Answer

[painglass.livejournal.com]

I read a wide varity of comics, both strip and book form. (Book being a recent love I've picked up.) The strips I read with some sort of regularity are Get Fuzzy, Fox Trot, Rose is Rose, Sexy Losers, T.A. Vision, Penny Arcade, and various stuff thrown out by an ex-boyfriend. In book form, my favourites to date are Y The Last Man and Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, though my tastes run the gambit from superhero to well turned tale.

Why do you inquire?

Re: Comical Answer

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

I inquire because the inky arts are one of my most passionate passions and we share that interest in our user info pages. I love comic strips, single panel work like the Far Side, etc., but mostly I love comic books. I am at The Beguiling (http://www.beguiling.com) every Wednesday when the new books are out. Mostly I collect indie titles, but there have been a few Marvel titles that have grabbed me lately.