Smooth

Life seems to be weirdly smooth in the New Year so far. Snake and I have spent a lot of time discussing panic and dissatisfaction. We both have a tendency to rush from thing to thing and, even when doing something pleasureable or satisfying, our minds are already worried about the thing ahead that is not yet done.

So we are both working on being fully present and accepting that the to-do list is always going to be longer than time we are given, especially if we insist on sleeping enough and taking time to exercise our bodies and feed our minds.

I went on Monday for a pre-op visit to the hospital. Even though it's out in the boonies, it's fairly easy to get there. We'll take transit the morning of the operation (Feb. 2) and taxi home. I am being assured that the procedure is simple and recovery quick but I'm still nervous. The image of me lying there on the table in a gown with the tube in my hand and the oxygen mask on my face is disturbing. I'm so grateful Snake has that day off because knowing he'll be there when I come out of the recovery room is incredibly reassuring -- like I just have to get through a few hours in the jungle and he'll be there at the end of the trail when I've put the lions behind me.

In the meantime, work is good and as I layout reports and web pages, I'm sampling songs for a double CD of electronica. One CD will be fast (called, "Get Up and Go") and the other chill (called "Got up and Went"). Heh, I realized that my work harddrive was totally full yesterday. I found I had 3 gigs of music, almost of gig of porn and a lot of other things that shouldn't really be found there. I'm offloading them and bringing them home on an external harddrive that's sitting around here.

Finally, I couldn't help it. Despite the time I should be spending on pre-existing commitments, I am writing a new X-men movieverse fanfic following Bobby (Iceman) Drake from the time his powers manifest up to the events of X1. I always forget how much I love writing prose until I'm doing it. The fannish gods even dropped a copy of the silly SF series Animorphs into my lap so I could get help visualizing Shawn Ashmore (who plays Bobby in the movies) at the younger age when my story takes place.

At Least the OPTION of Labels

At the same time as I'm busily defending people's rights to eschew sexuality and gender labels (and even considering such a movement in society as a positive and necessary one -- thought question: if I didn't label myself as gay would I have had more sex with women?) I find myself increasingly annoyed by media avoidance of labels.

On the Golden Globe Awards on Monday (which show I now watch instead of the Oscars because it's way more fun) Felicity Huffman won for her role as a mtf transsexual in Transamerica. After thanking the Hollywood insiders she made a speech about the brave men and women who dare to live on the outside of society in order to be who they really are. Except that she never said the word "transsexual". Now, one could argue that she was speaking for all who dare to be themselves, but when you're in a position to speak for a group who rarely has such a public voice, it's incredibly pusilanimous and even counter-productive to make the word, by implication, unspeakable.

This has happened twice in Marvel comic books lately. After some 60 issues of beating around the bush, Collossus in Ultimate X-Men, finally came out. Except he never said the word "gay".

Nightcrawler: So, you're...
Colossus: Of course Kurt. If someone as unique as you no longer has to hide in the shadows, I fail to see why someone lie me should.

You're WHAT?? GAY! the word is GAY!

Ditto for the even more laudable out teenage gay couple in Young Avengers who are out and proud but never say GAY. Even when they come out to their parents.

It's not like Marvel and Hollywood are avoiding the word in order to promote labelless polymorphous sexuality... they're just trying to be progressive at the same time as they create shame. It doesn't work that way!

Movie Temptations

Do any of you have movies that have haunted you for years? By that I mean a movie that you are kind of dying to see but you've never actually rented it? Because it may be really really bad and you'll regret it? But it might be so bad that it will forever change your life for the better?

Mine is Space Truckers, starring Dennis Hopper and Stephen Dorff as, well, space truckers. Bay Street Video has it and I will rent it in 2006. There. I have finally have a resolution worth making.