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A Sense of Triumph
Dec. 19th, 2003 05:31 pmHello. My name is Burnt Out Boy. Woo. I just got a huge multi-media report finished and, in one hour, the company party will begin.
One of the best things about this long week was that my immediate supervisor was sick at home. I realize now the sick pas-de-deux she and I have been playing. She's the cool, competent, censorious big sister and I'm the goofy, flailing, little brother who needs to be brought into line from time to time.
Having identified the game, I now feel ready to leave the field. This week, I remembered how competent I am and how liked I am at this company. I am a shaggy dog employee in the midst of other shaggy dogs. She is the one who plays image games. I do not need to buy her version of "keeping up appearances". I do not need to stop doodling during meetings "because it looks like I'm not paying attention." I don't need to get off the Internet. Everyone knows I produce; everyone knows I'm competent and reliable. It is actually her who people don't really like. They call me aside and ask if they should talk to her because she was so short with them at the weekly meeting. They sometimes use the "b" word.
She has the power to determine my level of bonus, but if she dared screw me, I'd go over her head and throw a fit. I'd win.
It's hard for me to access this kind of political vitriol, but it goes along with awakening to the anger she has caused in me. I like to be a "nice" boy but don't abuse it, baby.
One of the best things about this long week was that my immediate supervisor was sick at home. I realize now the sick pas-de-deux she and I have been playing. She's the cool, competent, censorious big sister and I'm the goofy, flailing, little brother who needs to be brought into line from time to time.
Having identified the game, I now feel ready to leave the field. This week, I remembered how competent I am and how liked I am at this company. I am a shaggy dog employee in the midst of other shaggy dogs. She is the one who plays image games. I do not need to buy her version of "keeping up appearances". I do not need to stop doodling during meetings "because it looks like I'm not paying attention." I don't need to get off the Internet. Everyone knows I produce; everyone knows I'm competent and reliable. It is actually her who people don't really like. They call me aside and ask if they should talk to her because she was so short with them at the weekly meeting. They sometimes use the "b" word.
She has the power to determine my level of bonus, but if she dared screw me, I'd go over her head and throw a fit. I'd win.
It's hard for me to access this kind of political vitriol, but it goes along with awakening to the anger she has caused in me. I like to be a "nice" boy but don't abuse it, baby.
