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Alive and Pissed
Dec. 17th, 2003 05:37 pmA note to say that I am still functioning on this plane of existence. By acts of will, concentration, faith and legerdemain, I am not breaking down under the pressure of work -- but only just. Monday December 22 is my last day before two full weeks off. Bliss.
The situation wasn't helped by being told THIRD HAND that one of the management group felt I was on the Internet too much while at work. This came at the end of a week when I pushed myself to the limits for the company and the criticism left me so awfully wounded that I contemplated quitting. On the weekend when I should have been resting, I woke up daily at 5 a.m. thinking about it, planning acts of revenge (both high road and low) and wanting to die. Please bear in mind that 5 a.m. is a bad time emotionally for me, and I try not to give these thoughts too much weight by light of day.
Suffice it to say that nothing hurts me more than being accused of something when I'm doing the opposite. The other reason it rankles so badly is that my first reaction is to believe the accusation and take it in as proof that I really am as bad a person as I've always suspected.
It's true: I spend a certain percentage of my day on LJ and checking other favourite sites. But I truly believe this is part of the way my brain works. I'm clearly a bit ADD and I actually get through complicated tasks better by working in bursts while I'm also composing blogs and responding to others. But when I'm that hurt (lying awake, composing hateful letters, imagining how they'll be sorry when I'm gone, how I'll charge them $100/hr when they call me up in desperation and ask me to come in) it usually means that I've had a button pushed. Because, in the past I did try to get away with as little work as possible sometimes. It was a bullshit way of making myself feel superior to the workplace and the menial demands on my great self.
But now, I'm proud of the work I do and want to do it to a high standard. I don't deserve the criticism (especially from a guy whose writing methods are so convoluted and time-consuming that he requires a great deal of patience and company resources to accomodate his creativity). And it irks me how he's acting all friendly to me, like he never said any of this. For all I know, the complaint was amplified at each level. Certainly, my direct supervisor was worried about how it reflected on her graphics department as a whole. BTW, she's been sick all week and I notice that I feel much more confident and competent. Hmm, maybe I was as hurt by her as I was by the supposed source of trouble.
Okay, this is long, whiny and boring.
BUT! Here's a great pun that just emerged between me and Flurry: in Afghanistan, now that the big highway to Kabul has been fixed, the citizens can once again get themselves between a RAW KHANDAHAR PLACE.
The situation wasn't helped by being told THIRD HAND that one of the management group felt I was on the Internet too much while at work. This came at the end of a week when I pushed myself to the limits for the company and the criticism left me so awfully wounded that I contemplated quitting. On the weekend when I should have been resting, I woke up daily at 5 a.m. thinking about it, planning acts of revenge (both high road and low) and wanting to die. Please bear in mind that 5 a.m. is a bad time emotionally for me, and I try not to give these thoughts too much weight by light of day.
Suffice it to say that nothing hurts me more than being accused of something when I'm doing the opposite. The other reason it rankles so badly is that my first reaction is to believe the accusation and take it in as proof that I really am as bad a person as I've always suspected.
It's true: I spend a certain percentage of my day on LJ and checking other favourite sites. But I truly believe this is part of the way my brain works. I'm clearly a bit ADD and I actually get through complicated tasks better by working in bursts while I'm also composing blogs and responding to others. But when I'm that hurt (lying awake, composing hateful letters, imagining how they'll be sorry when I'm gone, how I'll charge them $100/hr when they call me up in desperation and ask me to come in) it usually means that I've had a button pushed. Because, in the past I did try to get away with as little work as possible sometimes. It was a bullshit way of making myself feel superior to the workplace and the menial demands on my great self.
But now, I'm proud of the work I do and want to do it to a high standard. I don't deserve the criticism (especially from a guy whose writing methods are so convoluted and time-consuming that he requires a great deal of patience and company resources to accomodate his creativity). And it irks me how he's acting all friendly to me, like he never said any of this. For all I know, the complaint was amplified at each level. Certainly, my direct supervisor was worried about how it reflected on her graphics department as a whole. BTW, she's been sick all week and I notice that I feel much more confident and competent. Hmm, maybe I was as hurt by her as I was by the supposed source of trouble.
Okay, this is long, whiny and boring.
BUT! Here's a great pun that just emerged between me and Flurry: in Afghanistan, now that the big highway to Kabul has been fixed, the citizens can once again get themselves between a RAW KHANDAHAR PLACE.
