Comfortable
Jan. 11th, 2005 04:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
talktoolooseSome of my commitment to living honestly as well as my distrust of religious communities can be traced back to my own hypocricy when I was a nice Jewish, putatively heterosexual teen.
The Reform Jewish movement has a ceremony—which it has oddly co-opted from Christianity—called Confirmation which happens through your Hebrew school at the age of 16. It's a kind of Hebrew school graduation and there is a trip to Israel the following summer if you can afford it.
After that, the eager beavers (like me) can go on to become student teachers in the Hebrew school and do other leadership activities. I did all that as well as chastely dating various young Jewish women while busily denying the mental images that actually got me off however many times a day I jerked it. (These images often included two of the star athletes of our school doing it to each other and sometimes to me).
At 19, I and several other model young Jews were invited to come and speak to the Confirmation class about what it meant for us to be living a Jewish life. I can't even imagine that I agreed to this as easily as I did. I think at that point in my life everything was theoretical and I was willing to be whatever puppet I was told to be.
It didn't take too many minutes in the classroom for me to realize that I was dancing on thin ice as I heard myself explaining that I only wanted to date Jewish girls because "we share a culture, and that makes it more comfortable." And of course, I went on, a Jewish girl is who I would marry.
And then a 16 year-old boy with unflinching grey eyes under his ash curls challenged me: "But what if I fall in love with a girl and she's not Jewish? What am I supposed to do? Just dump her?" And I didn't know what to say, how to deal with the nakedness of my sad deceit...
...because he was so beautiful he took my breath away.
The Reform Jewish movement has a ceremony—which it has oddly co-opted from Christianity—called Confirmation which happens through your Hebrew school at the age of 16. It's a kind of Hebrew school graduation and there is a trip to Israel the following summer if you can afford it.
After that, the eager beavers (like me) can go on to become student teachers in the Hebrew school and do other leadership activities. I did all that as well as chastely dating various young Jewish women while busily denying the mental images that actually got me off however many times a day I jerked it. (These images often included two of the star athletes of our school doing it to each other and sometimes to me).
At 19, I and several other model young Jews were invited to come and speak to the Confirmation class about what it meant for us to be living a Jewish life. I can't even imagine that I agreed to this as easily as I did. I think at that point in my life everything was theoretical and I was willing to be whatever puppet I was told to be.
It didn't take too many minutes in the classroom for me to realize that I was dancing on thin ice as I heard myself explaining that I only wanted to date Jewish girls because "we share a culture, and that makes it more comfortable." And of course, I went on, a Jewish girl is who I would marry.
And then a 16 year-old boy with unflinching grey eyes under his ash curls challenged me: "But what if I fall in love with a girl and she's not Jewish? What am I supposed to do? Just dump her?" And I didn't know what to say, how to deal with the nakedness of my sad deceit...
...because he was so beautiful he took my breath away.
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no subject
Date: 2005-01-12 07:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-12 03:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-12 03:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-12 05:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-13 03:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-13 06:46 pm (UTC)I have this theory because I tend to get about twice to ten times as many comments to my non story posts as my story ones. Also: stats and Nielsen ratings.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-13 07:45 pm (UTC)Zara
no subject
Date: 2005-01-14 01:39 pm (UTC)The other thing—for instance with your stories—is that I know it will require more attention than I'm often giving to my post-browsing and so I say, "I'll check that out later" and then don't. *looks guilty*
Still, if I read something and it moves me, I try to remember to say something simple in response as a token of appreciation.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-14 01:40 pm (UTC)Hi there
Date: 2005-01-16 05:51 am (UTC)z-
hazards of doing what is expected
Date: 2005-01-18 04:49 am (UTC)Re: hazards of doing what is expected
Date: 2005-01-18 03:56 pm (UTC)Oh boy! I have a crowd who wants me! Unless they find out the truth!
I've never ended up being alone by being open and honest. I know that some people have, but I have not.
Who are you?