Success and Frustration
Nov. 21st, 2004 11:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
talktoolooseSorry for last night's miserable post. The performance went adequately. Here are the successes:
1. I made a last minute decision to switch from acoustic guitar to electric. This was the right decision.
2. When I got on stage, my gear was in major disarray from previous performers' activities and I had to take a deep breath and be cool in front of the staring audience while I moved gear, repatched and tuned. I had to banter and concentrate and stay in a good headspace for performing. I did very well even if my wah pedal ended up stupidly placed and I felt like a stork performing the first song.
3. All three songs had LOTS AND LOTS of lyrics and I was scared I would lose a bunch but I didn't make a single error and hardly missed any guitar chords.
4. I stayed conscious to the songs and what I was trying to convey as I performed and was open to musical possibility.
5. I spoke coherently between songs. As I tuned the second time, I quoted an Ani line, "We tune because we care." I added "Neil Young doesn't tune but he also cares."
What was hard was the fact that my songs are not instantly accessible, especially through a mediocre PA where LOTS AND LOTS of lyrics sound like mush. I guess I was projecting enough good energy, because the audience sat quietly and listened instead of fidgeting. But they didn't give much back and by the third and final song, I was feeling pretty ungrounded. No one bought my CDs after; but then no one bought any of the performers' CDs so I won't take it personally.
I want two contradictory things: I want to make my own idiosyncratic vision which is in equal parts passion and intellect and requires a certain level of study or at least repeated listenings. But I also crave a roomful of strangers going "Wow! You moved me!" This is clearly a disconnect and a source of misery for me. The one to get over is the craving for adulation because I can't change the kind of art I make to please some virtual audience in my head.
Snake and I had an awful, awful discussion about the whole thing this morning. His relationship to my artistic endeavours is the hardest thing for me in our relationship. He basically feels that if I was meant to be a creator, the world would have given me signals by the age of 41 instead of apathy. I say that I can't control what the world thinks and if I have to create, I have to create. He thinks using the word "Art" and "Artist" is pretentious. Society decides upon whom to bestow the title "Artist". I say it is merely a descriptor for one who toils in the fields of art.
Of course, Snake was beaten up as a kid if he acted like he was someone special. His mother helped him decide that he should go to vocational school to become a veterinarian assistant. There was not idea that this bright young man should dream of actually becoming a veterinarian! Who did he think he was?! Now, he gives up on doing the things he wants to do because he should be doing his "duty" to the family, etc. and he resents that I am actively pursuing my dreams.
The above analysis comes from him, btw. He is aware of this contradiction. But it's fucking hard, man. Fucking hard when the thing that consumes me day and night is resented on multiple levels by my partner. Even if he supports me making art (he volunteered at the show yesterday and made muffins to sell!), he actively puts me down when I talk about finding an audience, selling CDs and books and making any kind of name for myself. He makes me feel like I'm the most misguided fool on earth.
I'm not going to edit any of the above. I just want to post and then put away my music gear from last night.
Cheers.
1. I made a last minute decision to switch from acoustic guitar to electric. This was the right decision.
2. When I got on stage, my gear was in major disarray from previous performers' activities and I had to take a deep breath and be cool in front of the staring audience while I moved gear, repatched and tuned. I had to banter and concentrate and stay in a good headspace for performing. I did very well even if my wah pedal ended up stupidly placed and I felt like a stork performing the first song.
3. All three songs had LOTS AND LOTS of lyrics and I was scared I would lose a bunch but I didn't make a single error and hardly missed any guitar chords.
4. I stayed conscious to the songs and what I was trying to convey as I performed and was open to musical possibility.
5. I spoke coherently between songs. As I tuned the second time, I quoted an Ani line, "We tune because we care." I added "Neil Young doesn't tune but he also cares."
What was hard was the fact that my songs are not instantly accessible, especially through a mediocre PA where LOTS AND LOTS of lyrics sound like mush. I guess I was projecting enough good energy, because the audience sat quietly and listened instead of fidgeting. But they didn't give much back and by the third and final song, I was feeling pretty ungrounded. No one bought my CDs after; but then no one bought any of the performers' CDs so I won't take it personally.
I want two contradictory things: I want to make my own idiosyncratic vision which is in equal parts passion and intellect and requires a certain level of study or at least repeated listenings. But I also crave a roomful of strangers going "Wow! You moved me!" This is clearly a disconnect and a source of misery for me. The one to get over is the craving for adulation because I can't change the kind of art I make to please some virtual audience in my head.
Snake and I had an awful, awful discussion about the whole thing this morning. His relationship to my artistic endeavours is the hardest thing for me in our relationship. He basically feels that if I was meant to be a creator, the world would have given me signals by the age of 41 instead of apathy. I say that I can't control what the world thinks and if I have to create, I have to create. He thinks using the word "Art" and "Artist" is pretentious. Society decides upon whom to bestow the title "Artist". I say it is merely a descriptor for one who toils in the fields of art.
Of course, Snake was beaten up as a kid if he acted like he was someone special. His mother helped him decide that he should go to vocational school to become a veterinarian assistant. There was not idea that this bright young man should dream of actually becoming a veterinarian! Who did he think he was?! Now, he gives up on doing the things he wants to do because he should be doing his "duty" to the family, etc. and he resents that I am actively pursuing my dreams.
The above analysis comes from him, btw. He is aware of this contradiction. But it's fucking hard, man. Fucking hard when the thing that consumes me day and night is resented on multiple levels by my partner. Even if he supports me making art (he volunteered at the show yesterday and made muffins to sell!), he actively puts me down when I talk about finding an audience, selling CDs and books and making any kind of name for myself. He makes me feel like I'm the most misguided fool on earth.
I'm not going to edit any of the above. I just want to post and then put away my music gear from last night.
Cheers.
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no subject
Date: 2004-11-21 09:37 am (UTC)I agree with you on the definitions of "art" and "artist." That's probably unsurprising, given my own aspirations, as sparsely manifested as they are.
I'm thinking of Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush, and their duet right now.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-21 10:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-21 11:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-21 11:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-22 10:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-22 11:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-21 11:43 am (UTC)In Grade 12, I performed an upright bass solo, written by Koussevitsky, with a 4 1/2 octave range, at a scholastic music festival before a panel of judges. My accompanist, however, was the dictatorial conductor of our orchestra, whom I admired intensely & wanted to please w/ all of my being.
I had zero nervousness about the judges. I'd already played the fucker twenty times for the only audience that mattered.
Only somewhat a-propos, but I like telling that story.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-22 10:36 am (UTC)Sorry I didn't call you back but I got your e-mail. Sounds like the person in question isn't coming anyway. boo-hoo.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-21 05:36 pm (UTC)Still, you have the guts to get out on the stage in the first place and to put your ego out there. I've only been on stage a few times, terrified out of my mind and flubbing my lines miserably no matter how hard I rehersed. Then again, the reason why I got the parts in the first place was because the director was desperate to cast someone. Twice.
A tough as it seems with Snake over this, at least you two communicate. And like you said, he was at least there. You're doing something that is important to you. It's not selfish to make yourself happy first and do what drives your soul. At least, that's what my therapist once said.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-22 10:38 am (UTC)Oh, and I got a lovely e-mail from someone saying she loved my story and asking to archive it on her site. I said sure.
keep fighting the fight
Date: 2004-11-21 11:46 pm (UTC)As far as performing as a musician: Right now, at 41, I just don't think I have the energy. Not after teaching all week. I am so wiped when I even think about going out in the evening and setting up and sound check and....oh man. SO I really admire that you have done it Loose.
As far as my own songs go. I sing them for myself now and then but find that, like you have found, not a lot of people seem to want to hear them. I think my tunes are great and a few people like them. However, I think there is no "market" for my tunes and so I say "fuck the world". I am hoping though, that I will find success through my writing. I have much more confidence there since I have already been published - 3 times now.
I am perplexed that Snake has the attitude he does. I remember when he sang for us! I still listen to him sing your tunes at times.
Anyway, keep true to your dreams.
Hugs,
Cody
Re: keep fighting the fight
Date: 2004-11-22 10:39 am (UTC)Snake is a complicated person.