Happy Birthday to Me
Mar. 8th, 2011 05:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
talktoolooseI’m 48 today. In the Chinese zodiac, this is the Year of the Rabbit—the same as when I was born—which makes it a cardinal year. I’ve known it was coming for a while, and perhaps that has informed the life changes I’ve been pursuing in the last six months or so. I don’t want to put pressure on myself to make this a year of years, but I do want to use the milestone to strive more for the life I want.
Looking at the foundations of my life, I’m proud of where I am and full of gratitude. I am in good health and taking steps to ensure that this health will be prolonged. I am active, and my yoga routines, along with exercises learned from massage and physiotherapists, have made me less broken and achy than I was 10 years ago. My knees feel much more stable. Hell, I’m even thinking of starting to jog in the spring. My heart, the cause of so much heartache in the summer and fall of 2010, is stable now. I wonder if that is the result of the meds I’m on, or the reduction of stress.
My mental health is improving by leaps and bounds from the sessions with my wonderful psychotherapist (do I have enough therapists yet?). The work is difficult, but I was SO ready for it. Sessions sometimes feel like marathons, but I find myself much more able to step outside myself when I’m losing my equilibrium and see the internal scripts and the self-defeating voices at work. I spend less time miserable now, or scared and full of self-hatred. This has paid off in relationships at work, with my parents and siblings, and most critically in my relationship with my husband.
There have been too many times when we’ve stayed together despite our inability to resolve issues. Now we seem to be full of faith in our ability to be friends and partners and continue to build our future together.
I find myself more charged and full of purpose these days. My art is clearer and stronger than ever. The experience of writing my fanfic novel helped me prove to myself that I could wrestle with a grand vision and pull it together successfully. My new novel is going well, but I’ve taken a hiatus from it as music has flooded back into me. I’m writing and recording new songs and also working with my husband to record songs that he wants to sing.
It is a source of frustration that I could be making art all the time now, but I can’t. I have less right to bitch than others, as my day job is only three days a week and I have no kids, but really, to do the things I want, I would have to be a full time artist. What do I want? A weekly podcast (perhaps combined with a YouTube channel) where I would read a chapter of my new novel weekly and perform one song, original or cover. I would begin touring my art and selling it. I feel like there is a huge space opening above me and that I have the ability to fill it, if only I can find or make the time.
But I am aware that time is limited and that work would have to begin soon (or 20 years ago) if I am to realize any of this. Still, no regrets; I wasn’t ready 20 years ago and I am now. But... mortality, eh? My brother is only 9.5 years older than me, and in just a few years, Parkinson’s disease has really struck him a blow and given him an uncertain future over even the next few years. As humans, we must accept that time is not on our side.
My hunger to achieve is balanced by new-found patience. I know that everything of quality (and I want nothing else but quality) takes time. I also know that my life, as it is, is enough. These contradictions are sometimes hard to digest.
I am grateful for my place of privilege in this world of poverty, war, and dizzying change. I am grateful to find that love is alive in me in mid-life and that there is someone who wants to dance the dance of passion with me. I am surprised to find, in the foothills of my dotage, that sex can shake me like a volcano and (to quote the Firesign Theatre) that my brain is not the boss. Not always, anyway.
So, happy 48th, Talktooloose. Happy birthday, all you 1963 rabbits:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
trapezebear, chronicpaint, Johnny Depp, Anthony Keidis, the X-Men. We’re so fucking sexy, ain’t we?
Looking at the foundations of my life, I’m proud of where I am and full of gratitude. I am in good health and taking steps to ensure that this health will be prolonged. I am active, and my yoga routines, along with exercises learned from massage and physiotherapists, have made me less broken and achy than I was 10 years ago. My knees feel much more stable. Hell, I’m even thinking of starting to jog in the spring. My heart, the cause of so much heartache in the summer and fall of 2010, is stable now. I wonder if that is the result of the meds I’m on, or the reduction of stress.
My mental health is improving by leaps and bounds from the sessions with my wonderful psychotherapist (do I have enough therapists yet?). The work is difficult, but I was SO ready for it. Sessions sometimes feel like marathons, but I find myself much more able to step outside myself when I’m losing my equilibrium and see the internal scripts and the self-defeating voices at work. I spend less time miserable now, or scared and full of self-hatred. This has paid off in relationships at work, with my parents and siblings, and most critically in my relationship with my husband.
There have been too many times when we’ve stayed together despite our inability to resolve issues. Now we seem to be full of faith in our ability to be friends and partners and continue to build our future together.
I find myself more charged and full of purpose these days. My art is clearer and stronger than ever. The experience of writing my fanfic novel helped me prove to myself that I could wrestle with a grand vision and pull it together successfully. My new novel is going well, but I’ve taken a hiatus from it as music has flooded back into me. I’m writing and recording new songs and also working with my husband to record songs that he wants to sing.
It is a source of frustration that I could be making art all the time now, but I can’t. I have less right to bitch than others, as my day job is only three days a week and I have no kids, but really, to do the things I want, I would have to be a full time artist. What do I want? A weekly podcast (perhaps combined with a YouTube channel) where I would read a chapter of my new novel weekly and perform one song, original or cover. I would begin touring my art and selling it. I feel like there is a huge space opening above me and that I have the ability to fill it, if only I can find or make the time.
But I am aware that time is limited and that work would have to begin soon (or 20 years ago) if I am to realize any of this. Still, no regrets; I wasn’t ready 20 years ago and I am now. But... mortality, eh? My brother is only 9.5 years older than me, and in just a few years, Parkinson’s disease has really struck him a blow and given him an uncertain future over even the next few years. As humans, we must accept that time is not on our side.
My hunger to achieve is balanced by new-found patience. I know that everything of quality (and I want nothing else but quality) takes time. I also know that my life, as it is, is enough. These contradictions are sometimes hard to digest.
I am grateful for my place of privilege in this world of poverty, war, and dizzying change. I am grateful to find that love is alive in me in mid-life and that there is someone who wants to dance the dance of passion with me. I am surprised to find, in the foothills of my dotage, that sex can shake me like a volcano and (to quote the Firesign Theatre) that my brain is not the boss. Not always, anyway.
So, happy 48th, Talktooloose. Happy birthday, all you 1963 rabbits:
trapezebear, chronicpaint, Johnny Depp, Anthony Keidis, the X-Men. We’re so fucking sexy, ain’t we?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-03-09 12:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-09 07:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-09 03:42 pm (UTC)But thanks.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-09 03:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-09 03:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-09 03:51 pm (UTC)I came up with a line for my mom to use next time my dad is driving her crazy:
"Living with you for 62 years has made me an old woman!"
no subject
Date: 2011-03-09 06:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-09 10:32 pm (UTC)