Hello, Good Evening

[talktooloose]

I'm feeling very uncommunicative. A lot of people I know I are in pain and that knowledge is shutting me down. I feel very selfish. I'm helping those in need who cross my path (like Snake) but I'm wishing I could do something for those further away.

Last weekend, both my brother and my parents asked me if I could look after my nephews a bit on the weekend by taking them to a baseball game. I said no. I have repeatedly said that I want to be a bigger part of their lives and yet I don't take the opportunity. I wish I could have my nephews without the baggage of their parents. I wish I could do with them things of my own choosing instead of being programmed by other members of the family. I wish this, I wish that. I'm not even sure what I want. I want to reach out and I feel too tired and self absorbed to do so.

I'm tired of Snake's misery cycle. This morning we had a fight because I encouraged him to do what he wanted to do but my advice was interpreted as meddling. And it sort of was, but I think anything I said would have led to a fight. He needs time alone but he's also watching Br'er Rabbit slip into catatonia about his life in Canada. The little bunny is doubting that he'll ever be able to do his master's degree or that his English will ever be good enough to succeed in Canada. It's all nonsense, but it's making him immobile while he should be volunteering more and practicing his academic writing.

So Snake hangs out with him in all his spare time when he really wants a couple of hours off. He's caught between wanting to help and being exhausted by it. Like me.

I keep reading about pain in friends' diaries and seeing their friends respond with sympathy and offers of help. I start to write responses and then dry up. I feel guilty about not helping and angry that I'm expected to help every time. Expected by whom? My inner samaritan who obviously needs a rest but who feels too guilty to look out for himself.

Maybe I'm just tired. I'm going to sleep now. Things will look brighter tomorrow when I have a day off. I'm going to finish building my handy-dandy back door bug screen and work on my brother-in-law's website, trying to unravel my confusion around Javascripting. Then, in the evening I'm going out with my friend Donna- cocktails at the Short Film Festival party, dinner somewhere and then the Radiohead live broadcast at the Paramount.

Selfish boy! Your friends are in need and you're partying. What do I do about these angry voices?

Comments

Question the Voices

[walterwz.livejournal.com]

I think doing some serious reality testing on what the voices have to say and paying close attention to what your feelings are telling you is a really good idea.

This is a good thing about journals like this. The facts speak for themselves after a while.

I am not sure if I am seeing self absorbed or self aware.

Re: Question the Voices

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

I am not sure if I am seeing self absorbed or self aware.

It's a fine line. I mean, I read a lot of journals and expect a certain amount of self-absorption. That's why we have blogs! Newsy ones with no personal angst and epiphany don't last long on my list.

Thanks, Walter

Re: After Further Consideration

[walterwz.livejournal.com]

I have considerable experience with guys who were fantastically narcissistic and self absorbed, like my Exs. The one thing I can say about the fantastically self-absorbed narcissist is that they rarely if ever see themselves as such. More usually they see themselves as utterly selfless and giving.

I find your consideration, significant evidence that you are considerate. If someone has an issue. Let them speak up.

Re: After Further Consideration

[redrunner.livejournal.com]

TTL, what I'm reading here is mental healthiness. I aspire to your sense of self-preservation mixed with concern.