Clitoris Tusk
Jan. 24th, 2005 11:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
talktoolooseI apologize for my entry subject line; I got it as a random-generated spam subject today and, after having seen Margaret Cho's "Cho Revolution" on the weekend, it seemed, um, natural.
Cho says that at any given dinner party, she will be telling one of her stories when someone will stick a palm out like they're doing choreography for "Stop! In the Name of Love" and say, "Too much information! Don't go there!"
Cho responds, "Don't go there? I live there! I own a house there!" Later in the show she goes on to explain the importance of that attitude -- why hiding the parts of life behind a wall of politesse conceals things that need to be to talked about, need to be heard.
The last few days have been full of life-lessons. I've been very stressed out about a freelance project I'm doing that isn't going completely on schedule. This leads to several self-destructive behaviours. Firstly, no matter how well I work, since I haven't been able to meet my unrealistic deadline, I count myself as a failure. That leads me to nose-the-grindstone stuff where I show competence and then say, "What a fuckup you are, TTL." Not healthy. Also, because I'm so submerged and simultaneously stressed, I don't take breaks, don't move, have bad posture and do everything with a tension that results in a tight back and neck which in turn creates a nauseating miasma through which life becomes filtered.
Snake has realized through our massage therapist that he basically slouches all the time and that this posture is creating chronic back and shoulder pain. He realized that he has been slouching since he hit puberty in a effort to "go unnoticed". I've been doing it even longer, I think. Look at pictures of me at five, and my shoulders are already forward. When you live like that, it's amazing how scary it is to stand at your full tight and open up your chest to the world. Also exhilerating. We're trying to remind each other every day.
Snake says that it's also a matter of maintaining the integrity of your "self". When I work, am I an insignificant vessel, subservient to deadlines and constant artificial tests of my worth? Or am I TLL who does this work in order to serve my needs? So, I'm trying to sit with an open chest and relaxed shoulders and recognize that the work is not me. Artificial deadlines must be recognized as such and adjusted.
The lesson also had a variation on Saturday with pipes freezing in our home; a problem I was ultimately unable to solve despite hours of work. I realized, upon analyzing my extreme stress and misery, that I was wrapping up a lot of self-esteem in my role as home handyman. And this failure to fix the problem made me feel lower than useless.
As I approach my 42nd birthday ("It's the avenue I'm talking about/42nd Street"), I have to wonder how many times I have to prove my competence and my commitment before I will take it as a given. I'd like that.
When you walk down the street at your full height, shoulders dropped, chest forward and breathing, you feel like you belong in this world. You are not over-exercising the cowering reaction that is wisely built into us. You are saying to yourself as well as those you meet, "I belong here. I have the right to exist. I'm not afraid of you seeing me. Me. As I am."
(And now a clumsy attempt to tie it all together) Proud and tall as a clitoris tusk.
Cho says that at any given dinner party, she will be telling one of her stories when someone will stick a palm out like they're doing choreography for "Stop! In the Name of Love" and say, "Too much information! Don't go there!"
Cho responds, "Don't go there? I live there! I own a house there!" Later in the show she goes on to explain the importance of that attitude -- why hiding the parts of life behind a wall of politesse conceals things that need to be to talked about, need to be heard.
The last few days have been full of life-lessons. I've been very stressed out about a freelance project I'm doing that isn't going completely on schedule. This leads to several self-destructive behaviours. Firstly, no matter how well I work, since I haven't been able to meet my unrealistic deadline, I count myself as a failure. That leads me to nose-the-grindstone stuff where I show competence and then say, "What a fuckup you are, TTL." Not healthy. Also, because I'm so submerged and simultaneously stressed, I don't take breaks, don't move, have bad posture and do everything with a tension that results in a tight back and neck which in turn creates a nauseating miasma through which life becomes filtered.
Snake has realized through our massage therapist that he basically slouches all the time and that this posture is creating chronic back and shoulder pain. He realized that he has been slouching since he hit puberty in a effort to "go unnoticed". I've been doing it even longer, I think. Look at pictures of me at five, and my shoulders are already forward. When you live like that, it's amazing how scary it is to stand at your full tight and open up your chest to the world. Also exhilerating. We're trying to remind each other every day.
Snake says that it's also a matter of maintaining the integrity of your "self". When I work, am I an insignificant vessel, subservient to deadlines and constant artificial tests of my worth? Or am I TLL who does this work in order to serve my needs? So, I'm trying to sit with an open chest and relaxed shoulders and recognize that the work is not me. Artificial deadlines must be recognized as such and adjusted.
The lesson also had a variation on Saturday with pipes freezing in our home; a problem I was ultimately unable to solve despite hours of work. I realized, upon analyzing my extreme stress and misery, that I was wrapping up a lot of self-esteem in my role as home handyman. And this failure to fix the problem made me feel lower than useless.
As I approach my 42nd birthday ("It's the avenue I'm talking about/42nd Street"), I have to wonder how many times I have to prove my competence and my commitment before I will take it as a given. I'd like that.
When you walk down the street at your full height, shoulders dropped, chest forward and breathing, you feel like you belong in this world. You are not over-exercising the cowering reaction that is wisely built into us. You are saying to yourself as well as those you meet, "I belong here. I have the right to exist. I'm not afraid of you seeing me. Me. As I am."
(And now a clumsy attempt to tie it all together) Proud and tall as a clitoris tusk.
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no subject
Date: 2005-01-24 08:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-24 08:55 pm (UTC)I just saw this flick on a shiny DVD transfer. No story to speak of but this awesome, unglossed atmosphere until the final, spectacular Busby Berkley production numbers.
Yeah, I would like to come to Aaron's party. I'll have to see if it's possible. It's just after my birthday. Will I be feted if I come?
no subject
Date: 2005-01-24 08:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-25 02:19 am (UTC)Artificial deadlines must be recognized as such and adjusted.
May you have the power to adjust them and not be at the mercy of others to do so.
As always, eloquently stated, even if in frustration.