Memories of First Love

[talktooloose]

Having teased you dramatically yesterday about finding my first love on the web, I'll reprint an entry I wrote about him in another blog identity two years ago. Please note: Snake's pseudonym at the time was Attilla, one of my favourite Hungarian names.

2001-04-17 - 8:38 p.m.

Today, I was remembering my first love. We were 18, he was straight (I think) and I thought I was too. Really, he's more of an "in retrospect" first love, and there will be no breathless consummation to this tale. Strangely enough, he was Hungarian, just like Attilla; or at least born to Hungarian parents in Canada.

My teenage dreamboat and I discovered each other in senior year of high school. We had three classes together and somehow figured out that we were a couple of neat guys with dreams that went beyond the conventional. At 16, he had become the youngest person in Ontario's history to receive his pilot's license and, at 18, the youngest to receive his commercial rating. You see, he wanted to be an astronaut. And unlike other little boys who dream of space travel at age 10, he actually took steps to get there. He was on his way to military college the following year to study aeronautical engineering.

Although he had a real butch energy, there was a delicious, gentle twinkle in him. For example, whenever he'd see a baby, he'd squeel "Babeeeee!" in a high-pitched voice and go over to the carriage to coo. He was short and powerful and had a jaw like a movie star. I stared at that jaw a lot.

I don't know how he discovered me. I spent my high school years trying to be as neutral as possible. I hung out with friends at school, but attended no parties and no dances. I dated no one and, in general, did nothing that would allow anyone too near, lest they sniff out the horrible stench of fagdom that I knew (though denied) was hiding in my ripe loins. (Ripe loins? Hello, Harlequin?)

But by spring of that year (1982!), I was seriously in love and he was glad to be my friend. Then the most romantic event of my life happened. It was a perfect day at the end of May, a week or so before final exams. We were walking to Functions and Relations (oh, sweet irony!) when Flyboy said to me, "It's too nice to go to math class, isn't it?" And with that, we left the school, hopped into his beaten up Chevy and drove to Buttonville airport where he rented out a two-person Cessna, and took me up into the clouds.

He praised my poise as the little plane jumped and dipped in the turbulence. He flew me over downtown and the University of Toronto which I would attend in the fall. We were free. Life lay ahead of us and we were men, not high school kids. And I wasn't just a scared closet-boy who didn't deserve to be loved; I was the friend he had chosen to fly with. I didn't know what I had done to deserve such happiness, but happy I was. Nineteen years later, I'm still smiling and choked up and vividly there beside him in the noisy cabin of the Cessna.

And that's all. He went his way, and I went mine. We saw each other for a weekend the following September, again at Commencement in November, and one final afternoon in January. That last time, we went to see the movie 48 Hours, and I came out livid at the testosterone-soaked audience who cheered some real tragic violence in the story. I ranted afterwards, my newly acquired beard unkempt like a revolutionary hero's. And he had no response. They don't question gratuitous violence at military college. I blamed my self-righteous expressions of rage for the fact that we didn't get together again; but really, I think it was just circumstance and the unpredictable currents of life.

I've watched the papers carefully. Marc Garneau was Canada's first astronaut. Julie Payette and others followed, but his name has not appeared. There are a few people on Yahoo People Search who share his name, none in Canada, one in Tampa, Florida. I haven't written yet.

What would my letter say?

"I still dream about you."

Comments

[epanastatis.livejournal.com]

Since you were closeted at that point, do you think he had an inkling as to the nature of your feelings towards him?

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Interesting question. It's hard for me to put myself back into the mind of the young man I was. Since I was not giving name to my feelings, could he have been perceiving things that I was missing myself? Possibly, if he could be open to the possibility of my loving him. But probably he missed the signs or, if he saw them, denied them subconsciously.

Questions:

How would he feel if I told him now that I'm gay?

Why does it matter to me?

How will I feel if I don't contact him out of fear of rejection?

Mikey projects

[(Anonymous)]

>How will I feel if I don't contact him out of fear of rejection?

Dunno, but if I were in your shoes & didn't give it a whirl, I'd keep wondering. I think it's always better to regret having done something than to regret not having done it. Whatcha doin next Tue/Wed/Thu?

Re: Mikey projects

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Hanging out with you and zarabell, I hope. You want to stay here? I'll just have to confirm that with Eric, but I don't see why it shouldn't be possible.

I'm of much the same mind as you: contact him and damn the torpedoes. I mean, I still dream about this person 21 years later, still hear his voice in my head. To me, that indicates some kind of powerful connection and I don't believe such energies are possible one way. Now, I may very well have meant something very different to him than he meant to me (isn't all friendship thus?) but I hope for the possibility of renewed friendship.

[painglass.livejournal.com]

My romantic heart likes to think that one day he'll turn up on your doorstep, hoping to rekindle the friendship.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Unlikely. I think the ball is right smack dab in my court. I'm giddy with power. heh.

[goodall.livejournal.com]

Did you do any of the design work for "Queer as Folk"? Your little sidekick picture looks like a character from Justin and Mikey's comic "Rage".

Anyway...it's always nice to meet "family" on LJ...please feel free to add me and read my journal.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Hi. I don't watch Queer As Folk as a rule and I haven't worked for them... well not in a design capacity. I did appear naked in one episode... But I don't watch the show; I saw one episode and it was just dreadful. No, the Crestfallen Sidekick logo just popped out of my pen. I feel like switching to the original sketchy, pre-inked version because it seems more poignant.

I'll check out your LJ, thanks. Which "family" are you referring to?

[goodall.livejournal.com]

The first two episodes of the series were hard for me to take...at first I was totally disgusted by Brian Kinney and all of the sex they had on the show. I was thinking, will straight people watching this think that's what being gay is all about? I almost stopped watching it, but my partner started really getting into it, so I sat with her to watch the following episodes. It is one of my favorite shows now. And Brian is my favorite character.

"Family"=LGBTQ community. We have to stick together.

Warning! Contains Scrooge-Like Bah-Humbuggery

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Well, my self-defined family extends beyond the limits of any queer orientation -- I mean, I would never exclude snowmit just because he's str8. But I believe all people have to stick together to fight for justice in this world. Of course, if all people were sticking together, justice would be a given.

My problem with QAF is not the sex or what the "str8s" think of "us," it's the miserable quality of the acting and writing and the fact that it portrays that oh-so boring marketing-driven pseudo-reality of gay urban life that I have almost nothing to do with.

In fact, portrayals of honest radical sexuality would thrill me. But QAF, like most of broadcast TV is only radical as long as monogamy and consumerism prevail. We always await the reform of the slut and hope that everyone turns up with the right haircuts.

And furthermore, you can hardly see me in my big naked scene! At least I got paid well for it. I was in the highest paid category of extras: "Nudity Carnal" which I will be taking as my drag name if I ever rev up the hedge-trimmer and shave myself. To get nudity carnal pay, you have to be naked and in a sexual situation. They've phoned me back to do disco bunny work in the Babylon scenes, but that pays like $8/hour. A girl has to pay the rent!

Re: Warning! Contains Scrooge-Like Bah-Humbuggery

[goodall.livejournal.com]

I used to think a lot like you when it came to "all of us" sticking together to fight for justice. Truth is, everyone has a different definition of justice. And no matter what anyone says, everyone has a tribal affinity to some extent. Idealism aside, no one is a true "global citizen". Globalism is now defined by the fact that most people around the world (except people in Afghanistan and other Moslem countries who choose otherwise, thus making them an enemy) dress in brand name clothes produced by Western companies, and eat/drink brand name foods produced by Western companies. It is not always a choice.

I have a biological family, I have friends LGBT and straight, and I have professional colleagues (also LGBT and straight). I am Jewish, a lesbian, a librarian, an artist and writer. It is always nice to meet someone of any of these persuasions, in any combination.

Talk about someone not a part of the urban gay culture--my partner and I really don't get out much. She spends a lot of time with her cousin's family, and I would rather read or spend time working on something rather than socialize. I spend a lot of time with people at work, and though I enjoy my job and coworkers, I shut down a bit on my days off. We are thinking about joining a cycling group, or a social group for couples of some kind to cut the monotony, but something always comes up and we never get to it. Our "social" sphere right now is an informal film company that we are putting together with three other people.

What episode were you in your birthday suit?

Re: Warning! Contains Scrooge-Like Bah-Humbuggery

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Umm, it's an episode where there's a famous gay author trying to undermine the promiscuous guy. Later two of the main characters bump into him at a barebacking party thus, ahem, exposing him as a hypocrite. An e-mail went out to members of a naked gay group I belong to asking for extras. I said sure. Then a bunch of aeroplanes hit a bunch of buildings in your country and things were postponed for a couple of days. Then we did it.

I am one of the shadowy naked figures out on the balcony in beautiful silhouette. It was about 10 degrees outside. The guy playing the author was the only one who wore a little socky thing over his dick which was kind of funny with us all hanging out in the all-together. It makes me wonder what he had to hide.

I got paid like $400.

Thanks for the thoughtful words on community and family.

Re: Warning! Contains Scrooge-Like Bah-Humbuggery

[goodall.livejournal.com]

I remember that episode! I'll have to tell Ping about it. The person who played the author must have

I guess you live around Toronto, then? It looks like a nice place, from what I have seen on the show. It definitely isn't Pittsburgh, though! Not enough hills, not enough rednecks, and the architecture is different. My Mom's family is all from western PA and we visit them quite often, and go into Pittsburgh when we see them. It's not as big as Philadelphia or some of the other East Coast cities, so I guess it's easy for a production company to go anywhere that's a northern city with brick houses and call it Pittsburgh.

I don't think Pittsburgh is advanced enough to have a place like Babylon...gay bars and neighborhoods for sure, but Babylon takes the cake. You would most likely see Babylon in Manhattan. Even the gay clubs out here in L.A. and S.F. are not so over the top. Is Babylon a real place, or just made up for the show? (I know, you only were on one episode and hate the show...sorry for all the questions...)

I mean every word I say, by the way. ;)

[rcornelius.livejournal.com]

Awwww...that's so sweet. It makes me wanna post about my first love, except that I could never been as eloquent as you were in your post!

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Eloquent shmeloquent (ha! match that!). Let's hear about your first love!

I'm glad things went well with your boyfriends' family.

Merry and Happy.

[rcornelius.livejournal.com]

My first love, eh?

Well, I will need to be brief and explain 2 first loves...one was a woman and one was a man. And in both cases, I didn't experience it until college.

For the woman, she was one of my best friends. Although we never formally dates, and I judged all of her boyfriends, at one time, we thought about being serious together and trying out a relationship and seeing how it worked. She wasn't one of those girls who tries to "convert" gay people...but her and I truly had a connection deeper than friendship, more spiritual than religion. We could finish each other sentences. We could invite each other over for dinner and know without asking what the other person wanted to eat that day. We would often show up to each other places with something to cheer the other person up. It was a love greater than friendship, but not quite a relationship. In the end, we both agreed that she didn't want to sleep to with a gay man no more than I wanted to sleep with a women. But until this day, people had us pegged to marry we were just that much of a couple. We kissed and made out a couple of times, and I was astonished that I found her beautiful physiologically and sexually. Probably one of a few women I will ever say that about.

My first love in college introduced me to the "gay world", meaning clubs and bars and stuff. Most people knew I was gay, and during my freshman year at the school I eventually transferred from, the environment was so safe and comfortable that one could be gay and open and feel okay about it. You didn't have a need to fear of getting beat up. He and I had a very secret relationship, but it had more to do with race than with sexual orientation. His parents were very racist and prejudiced, and in the end, he wasn't strong enough to stand up to them (I think I come from a relatively good home and have a solid education behind me). So towards the middle of the spring semester, I felt I had to give him a choice to stand up to his parents or that we would have to seperate. We talked about it, and in the end we seperated. I would like to say that the logic of a 18 year old is perfect and makes sense, but that's not always the case. I found it difficult to hate him or be mad at him, because he also had to look out for his own interests (the college i went to my freshman year was US$28,000.....and that was 1995). So we are still friends...we chat occasionally. He finally found the courage to stand up to his parents after he graduated (even though his boyfriend is white...he just felt "he owed it to me and himself" in his words). But he'll forever remain my first love. He didn't even take my virginity, but the physical and emotional love for him is still very much there. Although I wouldn't act on it today (and it has nothing to do with the fact that I have a boyfriend now...it's just more to do with I want to preserve the memory), I still love him alot and do tend to keep in contact with him.

So there are my love stories...pretty lame, eh?

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Lame? In what way? You're just shy about talking about your feelings! Yeah, it's not easy for an 18 year old to find the strength to confront his parents about such fundamental issues, especially if he's dependent on them. The fact that he did it later says that the goodness was in him all the time.

Thank you for sharing these stories.

TTL