Storytelling

[talktooloose]

In response to a beautiful entry on his childhood by quirkstreet, I commented that I have a lot of trouble accessing a lot of memories from 10 to 18. I think I spent a lot of that period dodging my own feelings and finding solace in stories I was weaving in my head and up in my room alone.

I'm going through a bad time now, which I may or not have the stamina to blog about, but one of its symptoms is a lot of 4 a.m. insomnia. At that vulnerable half-awake hour, the worst of my self-loathing has free reign.

I notice that sometimes the only way I find comfort is to escape down a hole into narrative. I rerun movies in my head, I follow storylines forward in my various novels, I go places where I am not one of the characters. That's usually how I fall asleep again, as imagining becomes dream and the voices that trouble me are drowned out.

I don't know if this is an unhealthy avoidance or not.

Comments

[mofic.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear you're having a hard time.

I accept calls at 4:00 am, if that would help.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm not sure what the call would consist of and I'm terrible at sharing problems like that. I always feel ridiculous and navel-gazing and ungrateful for the good things in my life. Also, when fully conscious, I have a fairly "suck it up and get on with it" attitude.

That kind of macho stance may be the reason I'm more vulnerable to sneak attacks when my the flames on my rational mind are turned low.

Anyway, thanks again. I probably should blog to my wise friends because I'm doing dumb things including isolating myself.

[mofic.livejournal.com]

Well, you don't have to talk about what's bugging you. We could talk about X-Men or politics or beluga whales or whatever.

Btw, I keep forgetting to email you about having deleted your comment on my vacation post. My lj is pretty public (I put the link in my email sig) and I know my kids and their friends read it sometimes. So, except for my fairly rare flocked posts, I steer away from topics that would be potentially embarrassing or unsettling to the kids, and you touched on one. So, anyway, I didn't want you to think it was anything personal (if you even noticed it was deleted).

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

I didn't realize it had been deleted. No problem, I totally understand. Sorry if I stepped out of line.

[eversearching.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I wish you strength to power through (or just sit through) whatever is going on.

I definitely use narrative as a coping devise. I think for myself, it's healthy when it gives me enough distance to not become too overwhelmed with what is happening (and, as a bonus, helps me hone the craft of writing and storytelling, thus transforming my personal crap to perhaps something more valuble for other people? maybe?), but becomes unhealthy when it un-grounds me from how I really feel and am affected by whatever is happening.

Maybe this is something we share?

I send you lots of warmth; you are in my thoughts.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Thank you for warmth and thoughts. Wow, I don't think I've actually seen you in like 6 years. hi.

I have this perverse thing where I'm feeling some acute pain and then I think how I can use that in a story and I get all excited. Heh. That's my version of empathy.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've been isolating myself too. And having occasional bouts of insomnia.

We'll probably get through it. Hugs.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

We will. We '63s are made of stern stuff!

Thanks.

healthy

[briseur.livejournal.com]

I suspect that the fact that you've honed the skill means that at some point it was helpful to you, and the fact that you're thinking it through now means that it's not serving you as well anymore. What other evidence is there of whether a thing is(n't) healthy

Re: healthy

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Hmm, not sure. My first reaction to you comment is very not sure. I don't know; I have a strong sense of not wanting to deal with my shit now. Possible reasons:

1. It will take away energy from things I want to do

2. Whining is for whiners.

[lux-apollo.livejournal.com]

I can't tell you whether it's unhealthy or not, but I can say that I do the same thing. A lot. So... I don't know if that particularly would be correlated to the blank surfaces in your memories. I guess the difference between me and you would probably be that I remember too much... or something like that.

[strumquill.livejournal.com]

Well ironically we are in synch, though 4am your time is only 1am mine. But myself waking up with anxiety at 4am is something I have been going through lately. Perhaps due to my renewed struggles with labyrinthitis vertigo. the new meds help alot.