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In the Woods
Jul. 14th, 2004 10:41 amI've not been updating lately because I'm finding my emotional states confusing and imagine that the resulting entries would be whiny and unenlightening.
I'm spending a certain amount of time in panic and with feelings like I've messed up a lot of my life -- a lot of dissatisfaction and impetus to shake it all up. Of course, what I have been doing for the past years is exactly shaking it all up, but in a measured and rational way. However, I can totally understand the impulse to just run! But you can't. You have a lover and a house and a puppy and the system is working. And you're trying to fix the parts that aren't working right. But you also realize that they'll never all work. And the sadness and dissatisfaction will remain even when you get more of the parts right. And you will never be able to make your lover happy and you will always feel bad about that.
So, I focus on the happiness when I can:
- My brother (whom I've seen maybe twice in 2004) phoned me out of the blue yesterday and I dropped everything, left the office and hung with him for an hour.
- The workload at the office suddenly lightened and I got to spend a day researching and planning for upcoming web redesign, learning about php and contemplating what a great website actually looks like.
- Our dog makes people spontaneously smile on the street and people whom we've never met seem to know his name.
- I can draw pretty well and I have hope that I will be able to draw as well I want to in order to do my graphic novel. I took the streetcar to work today and made some profound realizations about the visual style of the story and thought up a funny and cool scene.
- There are people who want to have adventurous sex with me. All I need to do is make the time and find the nerve. One of them is reading this.
This is the life I have. I have to live it to the fullest and accept its limitations. I have to remember that having a broken heart sometimes is still proof that I have a heart.
I'm spending a certain amount of time in panic and with feelings like I've messed up a lot of my life -- a lot of dissatisfaction and impetus to shake it all up. Of course, what I have been doing for the past years is exactly shaking it all up, but in a measured and rational way. However, I can totally understand the impulse to just run! But you can't. You have a lover and a house and a puppy and the system is working. And you're trying to fix the parts that aren't working right. But you also realize that they'll never all work. And the sadness and dissatisfaction will remain even when you get more of the parts right. And you will never be able to make your lover happy and you will always feel bad about that.
So, I focus on the happiness when I can:
- My brother (whom I've seen maybe twice in 2004) phoned me out of the blue yesterday and I dropped everything, left the office and hung with him for an hour.
- The workload at the office suddenly lightened and I got to spend a day researching and planning for upcoming web redesign, learning about php and contemplating what a great website actually looks like.
- Our dog makes people spontaneously smile on the street and people whom we've never met seem to know his name.
- I can draw pretty well and I have hope that I will be able to draw as well I want to in order to do my graphic novel. I took the streetcar to work today and made some profound realizations about the visual style of the story and thought up a funny and cool scene.
- There are people who want to have adventurous sex with me. All I need to do is make the time and find the nerve. One of them is reading this.
This is the life I have. I have to live it to the fullest and accept its limitations. I have to remember that having a broken heart sometimes is still proof that I have a heart.
