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Pain and Pleasure
May. 26th, 2003 11:35 amThis weekend was a meltdown, but a meltdown of delicious homemade ice cream -- I mean, it's still yummy if you're willing to lick it off the floor. Yesterday Snake was seriously Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde. Before I get to deep into the blame game, I was acting pretty childish myself, but he was a nutball minefield and the whole day was an unending cycle of explosion and blame alternating with kindness and reconciliation.
It's this damn job application! He got past the initial weed out. Then he had to do a huge written assignment and he passed that too. His interview is on Thursday at 9 a.m. and for that he has to outline a two-hour lesson plan on "learning styles." A lot of the people he was most worried about as competition either didn't get this far or voluntarily dropped out before the writing part. I know he's hoping he gets the job but he's terrified to say the words out loud because he'll jinx it. That's very Hungarian, btw. So, we walk around a lot saying, "it's so awesome that you've come this far; it's a victory no matter what happens."
But it's making him crazy. His teaching contract ran out on Thursday and he's applying for unemployment today. He suddenly feels like his life has been on hold while others around him have rocketed ahead in their careers. This is, of course, a completely subjective and self-defeating assessment. I told him that when we feel like that, it's not a sign that we've wasted the previous section of our lives but that we're ready for the next one. Still, he's not a great person to live with when he's under this kind of stress.
I'm telling people at work how wonderful the weekend was. We went to Doors Open Toronto yesterday and saw amazing buildings usually hidden from view. But for every hour of joy, there was an hour hand-wringing angst. I'm exhausted by this.
I'm also feeling the backlash of last week's wave of optimism. Having taken some positive steps, I'm in a panic about them. I think I'll have to write in a little more detail soon about how awful my 5 a.m. self-loathing attacks really are because I tend to pretend they didn't happen once I start the new day. Similarly, I was telling everybody at work today how perfect my weekend was and believing it as I spoke.
And that, as Madonna says, is why I wrote this song.
It's this damn job application! He got past the initial weed out. Then he had to do a huge written assignment and he passed that too. His interview is on Thursday at 9 a.m. and for that he has to outline a two-hour lesson plan on "learning styles." A lot of the people he was most worried about as competition either didn't get this far or voluntarily dropped out before the writing part. I know he's hoping he gets the job but he's terrified to say the words out loud because he'll jinx it. That's very Hungarian, btw. So, we walk around a lot saying, "it's so awesome that you've come this far; it's a victory no matter what happens."
But it's making him crazy. His teaching contract ran out on Thursday and he's applying for unemployment today. He suddenly feels like his life has been on hold while others around him have rocketed ahead in their careers. This is, of course, a completely subjective and self-defeating assessment. I told him that when we feel like that, it's not a sign that we've wasted the previous section of our lives but that we're ready for the next one. Still, he's not a great person to live with when he's under this kind of stress.
I'm telling people at work how wonderful the weekend was. We went to Doors Open Toronto yesterday and saw amazing buildings usually hidden from view. But for every hour of joy, there was an hour hand-wringing angst. I'm exhausted by this.
I'm also feeling the backlash of last week's wave of optimism. Having taken some positive steps, I'm in a panic about them. I think I'll have to write in a little more detail soon about how awful my 5 a.m. self-loathing attacks really are because I tend to pretend they didn't happen once I start the new day. Similarly, I was telling everybody at work today how perfect my weekend was and believing it as I spoke.
And that, as Madonna says, is why I wrote this song.
