Etiquette Is Important

[talktooloose]

So I answered a Craigslist ad for a hookup. I wrote to him and he responded:

Thanks for the email and info.  Sounds like what I'm looking for...finally.

***discusses possible dates including two days later***

Would you be traveling to me?  I'm just north of Maple Leaf Gardens (Yonge & Carlton area), live alone and can host.  I can also travel if there is parking near
you.

Yes, please send a pic.  I will not distribute or share it with anyone.  I
will respond with mine.  In the meantime I send you here a picture of my
hairy chest.

***discussion of scene details with request for input***

I responded with pics, details and preferred meeting times from the list he gave. He didn't respond. I sent another email and he didn't respond. I sent a third email saying that if he has received mine and is not interested, that is fine but he should say so.

No response obviously. Now, what I'm supposed to do is take the hint. I have been considered and rejected. The door has been closed in my face.

He probably wasn't into my pictures. That is fine. I can deal with that; I'm a big boy. But this is not what I consider acceptable human interaction. I have just sent him the following letter:

Dear ***:

Your lack of response to my emails is not acceptable behaviour on your part, especially after the initial response you sent me where you showed enthusiasm and desire to at least investigate more. I can only assume that my physical attributes did not, somehow meet your standards.

At such a point, I believe you are morally obliged to grow a set and write back, "Sorry not interested in your body type" or whatever. Failure to do so only leads to confusion. Did you get my letter? Is there something wrong? Perhaps that is the case. If you think I would be unhappy receiving a rejection based on my physique, amount of hair or whatever, you are partially right; no one likes to be rejected. But I can accept that. I am also not attracted to everyone. At least I would know where I stand and we would have completed and adult-to-adult interaction with mutual respect.

Simply rejecting me and moving on without a word is not acceptable. I am not product on a shelf which you can consider and then put back with impunity. I'm a human being. Failure to imbue our human interactions with humanity is dangerous. That is the type of alienation that has led to a depressed, apathetic and directionless populace. The world is growing bleaker precisely because we treat each other as disposibles.

This is true when we treat a convenience store clerk as if he/she was a dispensing machine. This is true when we take out our own anger over injustices done to us on the telephone customer service person who is employed to assist us. That is true when we take our loved ones for granted.

In matters sexual, we have been taught to default to the consumerist position. This is highly dangerous to the egos and self-esteem of all involved. We open up our hearts to become sexual with another. When that trust is repaid with callousness, we have commited a grievous omission. We have squandered an opportunity to increase love and respect in the world. We have diminished ourselves and the other person both.

I do not expect a response from you at this point (unless you simply have forgotten to check for email in the past five days). I do hope you can find healing in your own soul so that you may touch others with love in your every interaction.

Comments

[ginalin.livejournal.com]

Good answer. He's a shallow bastard if he can't admit he's either not attracted or found tru lurve in the meantime or whatever. I hate this kind of rudeness.
So, not such a great catch after all...

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

I wasn't looking for a keeper (I have a lovely one of those at home); just some fun. It's entirely possible he just accepts this as "the way things are done". I just wanted to shake up his paradigm.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

I just need my betas to tell me I used "just" three times in two lines in my comment.

[ginalin.livejournal.com]

I do that too...if you find out what causes it, let me know. Perhaps together, we can find a cure. *tries out my "bravely suffering" look in the mirror*

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

It's JUST such a useful word.

[ginalin.livejournal.com]

It is if you're fond of emphatics, like I am. Reeaaly and toootallly are Waaaay over used by me too.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Not to mention dubious passive voices?

[ginalin.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, but I do it because it invites other people to be more forthcoming, which is usually my goal in speaking to other people.

It's a way of coming across as non-judgmental and open, too, which is a position I'm often in. (See, I'm doing it again!)

[lux-apollo.livejournal.com]

*ahem*

More word variety needed, biatch!!

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

See icon.

[ginalin.livejournal.com]

Rudeness always lowers a person's attractiveness/interesting quotient by a lot to me.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

How much you want to bet that on the occasions when he's treated this shabbily, he'll generalize it into some kind of "all men are pigs" or "the gay 'community' doesn't really exist, everybody's a backstabber" thing?

Sorry you got one of those. Thank goodness they *aren't* universal, you know?

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

It barely registered on the hurt meter. Just a waste of anticipatory excitement. And my response will mean nothing to him but I feel better. lol.

[new-improved.livejournal.com]

Hey TTL, while I appreciate and applaud your attempt to bring some much-needed civility and manners into the online hookup world, I just think you're fighting a battle that was lost a long time ago. Unfortunately, if a guy can just up and avoid you at a bar or social function, how much easier is it to just avoid the "reply" button? I think you're working against human nature here... but at the same time, you totally rock for standing up for politeness. Your strength of conviction is one of the things I've always really liked about you :)

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Not trying to change the world. Or rather, I am but i recognize that my ability to do so is less than superhuman. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Joni Mitchell doesn't write for her fans, she writes for herself. But she's delighted if they want to go along for the ride.

And you aren't exactly a slouch in the character department either, bro.

[nyahnyahnyah.livejournal.com]

I've had this experience before, though it was in more of a getting-to-know-you on a dating site than a potential-sexy-buddy thing. Though looking back, the last email I had written to this boy was a hell of a novella...I still think he is a doo-doo head for not saying "thx bt no thx." Annnoyyyyyinnng.

At the same time, as a girl I appreciate the "excuse" to be able to walk away from online interactions etc. If a dude is seriously off-putting or creeping me out, at least he has no idea where I live, and can't stalk me and cause me harm if he's an asshole and thinks I "owe" him after one or two messages.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Your point about stalking is well taken, but it only becomes stalking after you say, "no thanks" and he chooses to ignore that. I do think it is your responsibility to give him that clear message before you walk away.

[lux-apollo.livejournal.com]

People suck.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

True! I'm switching to battlebots!

[rfmcdpei.livejournal.com]

Daisy Buchanan is so powerful because her character is so universal.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

I never told you his name! How did you know?

[corduroyarmy.livejournal.com]

hahaha
ten points awarded

[painglass.livejournal.com]

Man, this is why you're my favorite LJ friend. That answer was amazing and right on target. If I received something like that, I'd feel terribly low and know I'd just lost an oppertunity at spending time with someone awesome. I hate unanswered e-mails too.