Every Angst Has a Silver Lining

[talktooloose]

Despite how fucked up I am about changing the focus of my artistic output (again), I am very excited about the prospect of writing novels.

When I go down a new road, it's like my whole brain begins to spin around a new axis. It's like the poles have reversed. It's like fresh sheets on the bed.

My brain is full of flak, though. I am being mean to myself and unforgiving. Yesterday I lost the stylus for my new Palm Pilot and I was full of blame and unlove for myself.

Sometimes it seems that the confidence I gather in order to create is gathered at great cost like scant krill strained from an ocean of non-confidence. Maybe that's why making art is so precious to me. When I create, I feel I exist. I feel I'm worth something.

Snake doesn't care about my art and, ultimately, that's a blessing. He cares that it's important to me but he says my true value is in my kindness. This creates tricky feelings in me. If he loves me for things I'm not sure about, I have trouble trusting that love. If he doesn't love me for the reasons I love myself, I feel cheated.

In the end, it's easy for me to believe I'm a good artist and harder to believe I'm a good person. Someone telling me otherwise is doomed to be doubted.

Comments

WOW

[thereisnofear.livejournal.com]

This post touches on some heavy issues for me....To me an artist is someone who is compelled to create something REGARDLESS of the outcome or feedback.I've made peace with the fact that my partner doesn't care that much about my creative endeavors and most of the time I'm cool with that.Once in a while something will come up that's important to me and I need to put my focus on it but he resents me wanting to do that.THAT is where the problem lies...I like what you said about fresh sheets on a bed...it's a perfect analogy/metaphor.

it's easy for me to believe I'm a good artist and harder to believe I'm a good person

[thereisnofear.livejournal.com]

We are ALOT alike

Re: it's easy for me to believe I'm a good artist and harder to believe I'm a good person

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

"regardless of the outcome or feedback"

True, but touching people with your work is incredibly rewarding and I've been experiencing that lately. It means a lot. Of course, my brain won't stop even if no one is out there. But having an audience is ideal.

I suppose it says something about our core values that when we found partners, they weren't all about the art. We found people who saw the deeper layers of ourselves.

Also, hella hot icon.

Also, LOVED "Hip-Hop Dykes"

[nekidwhiteboy.livejournal.com]

If he loves me for things I'm not sure about, I have trouble trusting that love. If he doesn't love me for the reasons I love myself, I feel cheated.

When does anyone EVER get loved for the same things they love about they self? (haw, I said they self, I'm so country yall) Seriously though, everything that I love and am proud of and cherish in myself is something that has, at some point, put me at odds with practically everyone else that I love. Granted, many of the things I love about me are also nearbout verbatim in the diagnostic criteria of various personality disorders (since I am A FUCKING SOCIOPATH after all), but I don't fucking care about that.

I think the really important things are that A)you love you and B)so does he. Does it really matter why, in the end?

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

You the sweetest damn sociopath I know.

Thanks. I didn't really mean this to be a relationship post but it came out that way. Interesting thing.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I think most artists yearn for someone outside themselves who experiences, feels, and in other respects "gets" the work they're doing, loving what's good about it and why it's important to them, yet being able to take a critical step back and see it from a slightly greater distance than the artist him/herself can. Someone who engages as deeply as the artist, while being able to offer praise, guidance, or better ideas when they're needed.

A critic who is also a lover, perhaps.

Or it is just me?

Which is to say, you're not alone. In being a good artist, or a good person, or someone who is both of those things and capable of doubting both of them. Hugs.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

I'm rather childish about criticism from him, actually. I take it much better from people I am not as close to.

What I have to acknowledge is that the dream of artistic understand between me and Snake is a very superficial one. The things I write about, the things I believe, the things I want to say and, to a great extent, the ways I want to say them are results of his huge influence in my life. This is true not only philosophically and emotionally but artisticially. We consume books, movies, plays and music together and have long discussions about how and why things work. Yet we often have RADICALLY different taste and there are often fundamentals in my work that rub him the wrong way. On the other hand, there are times when he's my biggest fan.

But he never read my comic and he is waiting until I finish my novel until he reads it.

Arggghhh.

Nice to have your comaraderie in these struggles and your hugs. Love.