Family Rant
Jul. 18th, 2006 05:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
talktoolooseMy big brother makes me insane. I love him very, very dearly. He is ten years older than I and has always been there for me. But he is desperately unorganized, wracked with guilt, ADD as all get out and has boundary issues.
His son is being bar-mitzvahed (I love that as a verb) in September and I agreed to edit a DVD made up of bits from tapes throughout the boy's life. As the final product is only 20 minutes, I said, "we can do it in one day if you prepare the material in advance. Please:
All this was two weeks before the planned get-together last Saturday. I phoned up to the suburbs where he lives on Saturday morning at 9 a.m. to find that he was still asleep. His wife informed me that they hadn't finished going through the tapes and that she hadn't picked any photographs. Also, she had been compiling a folder of things to scan for years preparatory to this event. She didn't know where this folder was but she would abandon her pancake making and go search for it.
I heard from my brother 90 minutes later that he would be at my place "sometime after lunch" but he could keep working right into the evening. I said, "No, we have to stop at 5 because I have to go to Mom and Dad's and plug drill bee holes on their patio (because I know how to have fun on a Saturday night)." He agreed to get there earlier, but of course did not.
He arrived with the tapes and a "pretty good" idea of what he wanted. He hadn't zeroed the counter when viewing the tapes or taken the time to even understand the process so we were hunting and pecking our way slowly through the tapes. Then VCR jammed on tape three and refused to eject the precious family tape. He located a repair guy in the phone book and said he would take it in Monday.
I was patient throughout this though I later admitted my frustration to him and explained to him how my life has no room for extras these days and, really, I couldn't afford to take up the slack for him and his wife's lack of organization. All of this was very hard to say because he can only feel miserable and guilty and self-hating which means discussions don't really go anywhere except into a black hole.
He phoned me at work at 5:30 yesterday (Monday) to say that I would have to go and pick up the VCR that evening from somewhere because the man was repairing it fast and then would close for four days. I said, "Why did assume I was free to go tonight? And besides, why do you need it right away? Won't next weekend do?"
"No," he cried, "I'm coming over to your place tomorrow afternoon to choose the rest of the scenes!"
"Why," I retorted, "do you assume that there will be anyone there to let you in?"
"Oh, I figured Snake or Toutou would be there..."
"Why did you figure that? Why didn't you phone and discuss anything?"
He finally phoned again at 7:30 for me to jump on a bus and go get the VCR. I said, "You know what? Forget it. I'm tired, not feeling well and I have to draw my comic. We can wait until next week."
At this point he offered me cab fare which I refused and then, in a big martyr's tantrum, said he would drive 45 minutes downtown and 45 minutes uptown again to pick it despite having just got home. I refused to rise to this manipulation...
...and have been paying a heavy price in guilt ever since.
He drives me insane!!! And I'm not nice to him which is unfair because he has an deeply crazy wife and a really hard life. BUT I CANNOT TAKE UP THE SLACK FOR HIS PROBLEMS!!! I AM EDITING THE VIDEO HAPPILY, BUT I WILL NOT TURN MY LIFE UPSIDE DOWN JUST BECAUSE I'M ENTERING HIS ORBIT!!!!
This happens anytime I agree to do something with him. He cannot plan and everything is ad hoc and he offers no choice but to work with him in his way. So I said 'no' to him yesterday and now there's bad feelings.
Grrrrrrrrr. In the long run, he'll just internalize it all and hate himself more for having created chaos in my life and that will make him more self-hating and neurotic.
He makes me nuts because I'm just like him but I've worked really hard for years to get my shit together.
bleaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm a terrible brother. Shoot me.
His son is being bar-mitzvahed (I love that as a verb) in September and I agreed to edit a DVD made up of bits from tapes throughout the boy's life. As the final product is only 20 minutes, I said, "we can do it in one day if you prepare the material in advance. Please:
- Rewind each VHS to the beginning, zero your counter and carefully note the minutes and seconds of each piece you want captured
- Choose a maximum of 25 photographs you want scanned and included
- Be at my house at 10:30 a.m. on Saturday
All this was two weeks before the planned get-together last Saturday. I phoned up to the suburbs where he lives on Saturday morning at 9 a.m. to find that he was still asleep. His wife informed me that they hadn't finished going through the tapes and that she hadn't picked any photographs. Also, she had been compiling a folder of things to scan for years preparatory to this event. She didn't know where this folder was but she would abandon her pancake making and go search for it.
I heard from my brother 90 minutes later that he would be at my place "sometime after lunch" but he could keep working right into the evening. I said, "No, we have to stop at 5 because I have to go to Mom and Dad's and plug drill bee holes on their patio (because I know how to have fun on a Saturday night)." He agreed to get there earlier, but of course did not.
He arrived with the tapes and a "pretty good" idea of what he wanted. He hadn't zeroed the counter when viewing the tapes or taken the time to even understand the process so we were hunting and pecking our way slowly through the tapes. Then VCR jammed on tape three and refused to eject the precious family tape. He located a repair guy in the phone book and said he would take it in Monday.
I was patient throughout this though I later admitted my frustration to him and explained to him how my life has no room for extras these days and, really, I couldn't afford to take up the slack for him and his wife's lack of organization. All of this was very hard to say because he can only feel miserable and guilty and self-hating which means discussions don't really go anywhere except into a black hole.
He phoned me at work at 5:30 yesterday (Monday) to say that I would have to go and pick up the VCR that evening from somewhere because the man was repairing it fast and then would close for four days. I said, "Why did assume I was free to go tonight? And besides, why do you need it right away? Won't next weekend do?"
"No," he cried, "I'm coming over to your place tomorrow afternoon to choose the rest of the scenes!"
"Why," I retorted, "do you assume that there will be anyone there to let you in?"
"Oh, I figured Snake or Toutou would be there..."
"Why did you figure that? Why didn't you phone and discuss anything?"
He finally phoned again at 7:30 for me to jump on a bus and go get the VCR. I said, "You know what? Forget it. I'm tired, not feeling well and I have to draw my comic. We can wait until next week."
At this point he offered me cab fare which I refused and then, in a big martyr's tantrum, said he would drive 45 minutes downtown and 45 minutes uptown again to pick it despite having just got home. I refused to rise to this manipulation...
...and have been paying a heavy price in guilt ever since.
He drives me insane!!! And I'm not nice to him which is unfair because he has an deeply crazy wife and a really hard life. BUT I CANNOT TAKE UP THE SLACK FOR HIS PROBLEMS!!! I AM EDITING THE VIDEO HAPPILY, BUT I WILL NOT TURN MY LIFE UPSIDE DOWN JUST BECAUSE I'M ENTERING HIS ORBIT!!!!
This happens anytime I agree to do something with him. He cannot plan and everything is ad hoc and he offers no choice but to work with him in his way. So I said 'no' to him yesterday and now there's bad feelings.
Grrrrrrrrr. In the long run, he'll just internalize it all and hate himself more for having created chaos in my life and that will make him more self-hating and neurotic.
He makes me nuts because I'm just like him but I've worked really hard for years to get my shit together.
bleaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm a terrible brother. Shoot me.
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no subject
Date: 2006-07-18 09:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-18 10:54 pm (UTC)This is healthy; I think you have your priorities straight.
But that doesn't mean that it feels good.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-18 10:54 pm (UTC)Also, repeat this over and over, its a smart statement:"I WILL NOT TURN MY LIFE UPSIDE DOWN JUST BECAUSE I'M ENTERING HIS ORBIT!!!!"
no subject
Date: 2006-07-18 11:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-19 07:12 am (UTC)-Shameless in the States
no subject
Date: 2006-08-05 05:46 am (UTC)