Where Praise Is Due

[talktooloose]

So, the meta-message of the past few weeks is that people have to be recognized for their efforts.

You all heard me whining last week. Well, I apologize if it was annoying, but I don't take it back for a minute. To create, we must put the best of ourselves out and do it as nakedly as possibly. There is something inherently terrifying about creating life out of thin air and letting others see it. It is always a risk to the ego.

I got the message reinforced when appelle let me read a poem (very intriguing writing -- I want to see more and she should post some online) of hers and also (unexpectedly) when 33mhz pinged me about feedback to his short screenplay after my initial offer of criticism was met by his comment that he hadn't taken the writing so seriously anyway. I now call bullshit on that statement. After all, he posted it, didn't he?

I call on everyone to take everyone's creations seriously and at least acknowledge that you've read them, listened to them, watched them. I appreciate anyone who even gives me a brief line and a nod (though I would orally pleasure upon request anyone who gave detailed, useful criticism -- offer void where prohibited and not available to employees of Kelloggs' or their families). kuriadalmatia's work on my fic did more for my positive attitude in the last few weeks then any crisp fall day. She erased the evil spewed at me by my book editor.

I would like to also mention the fact that snowmit showed me the games on an actual cell phone that his company is developing and they were cool and great. And you guys really did it. You planned it, you worked and they now exist. Dream to reality, baby. Life out of thin air.

And now, here is your feedback, Mark:

Notes on Mr. Carp from Talktooloose

- note Mayumi’s sex and Mamoru’s age and sex in first description
- I think we should hear the door open along with Mayumi
- would it work if the second door sound was a slam?
- I love the description of the shots, colours, artificially long hall, animation. It reminds me of the style of Amelie and also of some manga. The window in the bedroom scene is cool. Could be the apartments real window opening to reveal Shiomura’s brightly lit home, contrasting the romantic fish tank lighting of Tsyuko’s apartment.

- the biggest gap in the drama of the story is the fact that Tsyuko is not fleshed out. The one scene we have with her and Shiomura should be enough to establish everything we need to know, even if it’s just a bit of pillow talk. It’s the old dramatic question of establishing what the characters’ stakes are. I think the scene would involve discussion and of and his vague promises of leaving his wife for her. What happens of course (though it is not dramatized), is he does not leave his wife, she dumps him, he pines for her, she moves out of her apartment and drops off the fish as she leaves town with no forwarding address.
- without a scene between them to establish whatever kind of love and expectations they have, there is no feeling to the final scenes. If, however, he loved her and let her go in the name of respectability, then he is a sad man looking for her and finding only ghosts
- perhaps in their scene together, we hear her threat to leave town. Perhaps this should also be scene where he gives her the fish and she should be touched by the gesture.

- when Shiomura goes back to her apartment building, it would be cool if, after the ghost image, a hugely contrasting figure (a fat middle-aged woman or man) sticks her head and chest out the window to shout vulgarly to someone or smoke.
- I do not understand Mamoru’s line “Did you put soap in the tank?” Does he mean while the fish was alive, thus killing it? I mean, if the fish was already dead, of course she cleaned it.

Thank you for sharing. Thank you all.

Comments

[rfmcdpei.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear this. :-)

[33mhz.livejournal.com]

Well, I said I wasn't deeply invested in it, I meant that I was prepared and even a little eager to talk about the technical aspects of it as if I were talking about someone else's work. It's very hard for me to get that kind of distance that I've created completely on my own.

LJ doesn't like 5000 character comments, so I'm gonna put my responses in a separate post.Your statements about how the relationship between Shiomura and Tsuyoko is (not) presented touch on some of the unique aspects of the original story.