Lately

[talktooloose]

I haven't been posting lately, though I have been reading and commenting.

I guess I've been quiet, a bit depressed, a bit focussed, evaluating.

I had a major crisis about a month ago which jumped off from an incident at work, but my reaction to it was so over-the-top that I had to spend a few days examining it.

I got some minor shit at work (along with assurances that I "shouldn't worry about it"), but it really triggered me. Some anonymous employee seems to have had their nose bent out of shape and reported to my supervisor that I had a lot of non-work-related web stuff up on my screen. I was super annoyed by this criticism as I had been by something similar back in February. I have never worked so hard or so effectively as I have in the last 8 months and I have been otherwise praised for my efforts.

But it's time I realized that even in a human-level company like this one, optics count for way more than they should. In other words, you may be effective and productive, but it still rankles with some when you don't seem to have your work ethic on 8 hours a day. I handled the criticism well. I didn't blow up. I confirmed with my supervisor that she was happy with the work I was doing and that we had "moved a lot of freight" that week. Then I said, "I would appreciate it if you closed the loop on this and told the person in question that you are pleased with the quality and quantity of my work." I also pointed out to her that I usually stay at my desk and that my minutes on the web are similar to the more optically-acceptable hour some spend in the kitchen gossiping.

My supervisor agreed to do this and said, "don't let it ruin your weekend," but it totally did. I lost a lot of sleep over it. Partly this is because I always feel guilty when criticized, no matter whether it is justified or not. I think of all the minutes and hours I have ever slacked, I think of the waste of I have perpetrated on my own life course. I begin to review my life as one big wasted opportunity. I go bad places.

I decided, after much discussion with Snake, to handle my work life a bit differently. I would start arriving right at 9:30 instead of "between 9:30 and 10:00, closer to 10". I would work until 5:30 — 6:00 if we're really busy. I would not spend time browsing the web between tasks (including not updating my LJ much). I would eat lunch at my desk as usual and then get up around 2 for a solid hour and go across the road to the public library where I would write fiction for one hour.

I've been following this system for three weeks and it's very satisfying. Leaving to write helps me feel like my day is not lost to the work I feel is truly important to me. I have also worked on my corporate "optics". Arriving at 9:30 is probably better for my rep. Also, when someone comes to talk to me, I do not flip back to the browser to pause the podcast before I speak to them. I just take off my headphones and find my place later.

*sigh*

So, I'm writing at least some every day. This gives me hope for the future as I more and more come to view myself as a novelist (an internal shift which is partly self-dramatizing, but is probably necessary. Writing fiction requires a sense of mission, as a novel is a Quixotic and draining campaign, waged in the dead of winter on meagre supplies.)

Thanks for listening.

Comments

[mofic.livejournal.com]

This sounds like a healthy adaptation to an emotionally difficult occurrence. Good for you!

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

I was trying to channel you.

Thanks.

[rfmcdpei.livejournal.com]

Imposing structure's a good thing.

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

VERY TRUE. I'm so easily scattered that I need to impose structure, as scattering doesn't actually feel good at all.

There's also the fact that even if you don't feel like writing, you will still write if you sit down and do it. Or at least organize the chapter, or have a profound insight. But you have to do the sitting and structure allows that to happen.

[painglass.livejournal.com]

I was wondering and worrying about the seeming online silence. Glad to hear that you were sorting things out and readjusting to work stress. I think it is fabulous that you are writing a bit every day. I look forward to glimpses of your writing! :)

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Well, you know where to find my current writing. I want to be through with this fanfic novel by February so I begin writing "Imby." or possibly the non-graphic version of "The Release Party."