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Sep. 14th, 2010 06:30 amCan't sleep, but that's okay, sleep is overrated.
I'm currently terrified I'm going to lose my job. My company is changing fast around me and the majority of the job I've done is vanishing. The job they seem to expect me to morph into is a vaguely-defined wizard who makes everyone's half-understood tech dreams come true. Animations, infinitely auto programmable web-based charts like they have on the New York Times web site, cyborg researchers...
I'm finding this terrifying. I realize sometimes how much of my modus operandi is to build up a huge head of confidence-steam and leap off the cliff with the knowledge that I'm awesome and talented and will invent a parachute on the way down. The problem is that situations like this pour cold water all over the fires that produce the steam. I lie awake in the dark unable to access that reportedly talented (formerly talented? Always been faking it?) guy.
At the moment I feel old and stupid and like I coasted through the years when I should have been building something stable and long-term. And now I'm too stunted and slow to pull it together. The problem with building things out of steam is that it dissipates.
I'm currently terrified I'm going to lose my job. My company is changing fast around me and the majority of the job I've done is vanishing. The job they seem to expect me to morph into is a vaguely-defined wizard who makes everyone's half-understood tech dreams come true. Animations, infinitely auto programmable web-based charts like they have on the New York Times web site, cyborg researchers...
I'm finding this terrifying. I realize sometimes how much of my modus operandi is to build up a huge head of confidence-steam and leap off the cliff with the knowledge that I'm awesome and talented and will invent a parachute on the way down. The problem is that situations like this pour cold water all over the fires that produce the steam. I lie awake in the dark unable to access that reportedly talented (formerly talented? Always been faking it?) guy.
At the moment I feel old and stupid and like I coasted through the years when I should have been building something stable and long-term. And now I'm too stunted and slow to pull it together. The problem with building things out of steam is that it dissipates.
