Confidence

[talktooloose]

...Though not "in confidence". I have yet to make a "friends only" post. I think I mostly stay at the public level of disclosure here, anyway. There are things I don't tell you. On the other hand, I have few compunctions about revealing my emotional states and see no reason to hide those. Snake knows of the existence of this journal and I told him yesterday that it would be unlikely that I'd trash him here in a moment of pique. To me, that would be a betrayal.

What I will say about him is that his depression is getting tiring. Is that mean and awful to say? whatevah. He is busily reassessing his options in life (he didn't get that job, by the way, though he does have work at another college). His strategy is to imagine every possible path his life could take and then predict the worst possible outcome for each. The behaviour would be absolutely comical if I didn't have to live with it and if I wasn't the kind of person who always try to force a positive spin on every situation. It's becoming something of an absurd grudge match at this point: Eeyore vs Polyanna, best of three falls.

The comical nadir of this pattern came yesterday. My mom had offered to pick up some new kitchen knives for us that she saw on sale. Yesterday, assuming we hadn't given the go ahead for the purchase, he mourned the knives we'd never have. When I told him that I had asked mom to get the knives, he instantly turned glum and decried the waste of getting more junk when we already had adequate knives.

What's especially frustrating is that, after a lot of years of struggle and self-induced misery, my life is brimming over with possibility and happenstance. Finally, after months of back and forth, my sister and I have a signed contract for the book/CD we're creating. That means we need a mostly final text in a week (her job) and I need to create about 13 rough backing tracks to songs so she can begin rehearsing singers. I'll fly to New York July 3 for the recording session. In the meantime, I have to find a cheap but excellent studio there which is compatible with my music software so I can mix at home. Then I have to kick into high gear with layout and illustration so that these are roughed in by August 1. Yikes, what have I started? The book will be delivered in final form on October 15.

In order to clear my plate for this operation, I finished off my brother-in-law's website this weekend, accomplishing my goals of using some simple javascript, externally linked style-sheet and attractive, intuitive navigation.

On top of that, I am brimming with music and inching toward drawing some comics sometime in the fall. Not everything is happening as expected or hoped for, but life is getting richer and hope is alive.

I know Snake so well (so well) and I know he'll come through this. I just have to listen patiently and offer whatever help. But I'm trying to take care of myself too. I can't fix his mood and that kind of hurts.

Comments

[notahilbilly.livejournal.com]

I can relate to this almost entirely. Chris and I went through a period, starting from around our little anniversary trip to atlanta as I remember it, where he had a very similar habit: analyze everything ad nauseum and generally assume the worst; be all depressed and sad about that as often as possible but especially at the worst times (re: our trip to atlanta).

I think his depression was mostly related to the fact that he was addicted to stability in a very unstable world- he was forever scrambling to find one piece of something that seemed worth holding onto only to find it gone the next time he tried to come back to it.

I wasn't much of a help...mostly because I didn't know how to be. I continued having a good time and living in my own little theme park like I've always done.

Anyway, good luck with your CD/book thingy. :-)

[talktooloose.livejournal.com]

Snake and Chris have some things in common, but they wear very different faces. I'm also into the search for stability, but I try to remember that it's a moving target.