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talktoolooseMy dad turned 80 on Saturday. Which is shocking. All week we've been stopping in our tracks at various points in our day and going: ".......80!"
There are actually two birthday parties; the one on Saturday was the family obligation party that included all his cousins (mean age: ......80!) plus me, Snake, my brother and his family. But the REAL party will happen when my sister gets into town in two weeks.
I had the horrible realization during the party that at 42, I still have a lot of stupid inferiority feelings around the extended family because I am neither heterosexually married with kids nor on some of kind of recognized, middle-class-appropriate career trajectory. It was announced that my 43 year old cousin—one my generations last hold-outs in the marriage department—is engaged to his girlfriend and will marry in November. This depressed me for no good reason. I clearly felt that he was now one of the good boys and I wasn't beling left alone in the disappointment camp.
Where do these feelings come from? I have been with Snake for 17 years! I am successful enough in my career! He's a film editor who is out of work half the time! This has got to stop! It's ridiculous that my brain knows and accepts life as it is and recognizes it as good and yet these people who, despite their blood relation, are really just acquaintances, should make me feel second class in my own parents' home.
This feeling that my life will not compare favourably has also prevented me from getting in touch with people from my past whom I would like to reconnect with. I'm not sure the order, but the four things that continue to make me ashamed are:
I further feel shamed at displaying this "weakness" here in my journal. I like to come off as the guy with the alternative lifestyle who's got it mostly together. While that is not exactly a pose, it is definitely situational. I surround myself with amazing people like y'all and then I feel okay. But my banner gets a little droopy in others' parades.
(Heh, I meant to talk about my dad here. Didn't work out. Later.)
There are actually two birthday parties; the one on Saturday was the family obligation party that included all his cousins (mean age: ......80!) plus me, Snake, my brother and his family. But the REAL party will happen when my sister gets into town in two weeks.
I had the horrible realization during the party that at 42, I still have a lot of stupid inferiority feelings around the extended family because I am neither heterosexually married with kids nor on some of kind of recognized, middle-class-appropriate career trajectory. It was announced that my 43 year old cousin—one my generations last hold-outs in the marriage department—is engaged to his girlfriend and will marry in November. This depressed me for no good reason. I clearly felt that he was now one of the good boys and I wasn't beling left alone in the disappointment camp.
Where do these feelings come from? I have been with Snake for 17 years! I am successful enough in my career! He's a film editor who is out of work half the time! This has got to stop! It's ridiculous that my brain knows and accepts life as it is and recognizes it as good and yet these people who, despite their blood relation, are really just acquaintances, should make me feel second class in my own parents' home.
This feeling that my life will not compare favourably has also prevented me from getting in touch with people from my past whom I would like to reconnect with. I'm not sure the order, but the four things that continue to make me ashamed are:
- Being gay;
- Being childless;
- Not working full-time on an upwardly mobile career path;
- Devoting my life to artistic pursuits which are not likely to garner me success as defined by mainstream society.
I further feel shamed at displaying this "weakness" here in my journal. I like to come off as the guy with the alternative lifestyle who's got it mostly together. While that is not exactly a pose, it is definitely situational. I surround myself with amazing people like y'all and then I feel okay. But my banner gets a little droopy in others' parades.
(Heh, I meant to talk about my dad here. Didn't work out. Later.)
